


Letters: Part 1

by Feeshies



Series: Letters [1]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age II
Genre: Canon Backstory, Canonical Character Death, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-22
Updated: 2017-10-23
Packaged: 2018-12-18 13:14:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 10
Words: 22,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11875260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Feeshies/pseuds/Feeshies
Summary: It was always going to end in tragedy.  A look at the Knight Commander and the First Enchanter over the years.  Updates weekly.





	1. Chapter 1

Personal gain was not Meredith’s main motivation for joining the Templar Order, but she couldn’t help but feel powerful as she marched through the Apprentice Quarters.  Meredith was still in the early stages of her templar training, but one might have mistaken her for the Knight-Commander from the way the young mages reacted to her presence.  The mage apprentices kept a brisk pace as they walked past her, bowing their heads out of respect--or out of fear.  This comforted Meredith.  The mages were under control which meant a safer Kirkwall, and an easy shift for her.

That brief sense of comfort was soon replaced with brain-gnawing suspicion as she stepped closer to the library.  Amidst the small scatterings of mages moving in an orderly fashion, one stuck out.  Meredith frowned at the sight of an apprentice shuffling back and forth, clutching a tome to his chest as if his life depended on it.  Occasionally he would peer over the corner down the hallway leading to the library, but he would always go back to pacing.  Meredith’s body tensed up.  Best case scenario: this apprentice was just being difficult.  Worst case scenario: she was witnessing the start of a demonic possession.  Either way, she would have to react fast.

“You, mage!”  Meredith barked as she stomped towards the apprentice.  The other mages in the hall tensed up at her voice, only to keep walking when they realized she wasn’t addressing them.

The heavy tome slipped out of the apprentice’s hands and slammed on the cold stone floor with a loud  _ thud!   _ He dropped to his knees and scooped it back up in his arms.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t…”  the apprentice stammered.  “...I’m sorry.”

Meredith was standing over him.  The apprentice was an elf around her age, perhaps a little bit older.  Behind a mop of straggly dark hair, his large green eyes were staring up at her with a fear she was more than used to seeing from the young mages.

“Why are you loitering in the halls?”

The mage ducked his head, his body trembling like that of a freshly-shaven animal.

“I was just going to the library,”  his voice shook as his pale fingers picked at the worn leather cover of the book he was cradling.  “I didn’t mean to cause any trouble, Ser.”

Meredith didn’t buy his story.  What reason would she have to?  Her hand traced over the hilt of her sword and she narrowed her eyes at the mage.

“Stand up.  You’re making a fool of yourself.”

At once, the apprentice scrambled to his feet.  When standing, he was at least a few inches taller than her.  Meredith wished she kept him on the floor.

“The library is just down the hall,”  she tried to keep her eyes on his, but he kept avoiding her gaze.  “You have no reason to waste your time by pacing out here.”

“I know, it’s just…”  the apprentice’s voice trailed off and he looked over his shoulder.  “There are some, um, people by the entrance.”

“ _ People. _ ”  Meredith repeated, cocking an eyebrow.  This mage was definitely starting to wear on her patience.  “ _ That’s _ the issue?”

The apprentice tried to force out a response, but Meredith pushed past him and peered around the corner.  Nothing seemed out of the ordinary.  Most of the mages were gone and the only people remaining was a small cluster of templars standing outside the library entrance.  The suspicion Meredith felt before grew even more intense.

“The templars,”  she glanced back at the mage, who tensed up under her gaze.

“It’s nothing.  I shouldn’t have bothered you.”

“You have no reason to feel nervous around the templars, mage.”  Meredith stepped closer to him, craning her neck in an attempt to get a closer look at the tome he was clutching.  “Unless you have something to hide.”

The mage shook his head.  “I’m not hiding anything, I promise.”

“Then what’s the problem?”

The mage didn’t respond.  Instead, he squeezed the tome tighter and averted his eyes.

Meredith looked back at the templars and sighed.  She was heading in that direction anyway and she didn’t want a mage to be wandering the halls like this.

“Follow me.”

The mage took a step back.

“What?”

“I said, follow me.”  Meredith strode towards the library, soon followed by the mage.

Meredith passed the group of templars with a few acknowledging nods.  None of them seemed to notice the apprentice who was cowering behind her.  When they finally reached the library entrance, the mage let out a sigh of relief as if he just escaped a war zone.

“Thank you, Ser.  I--”

“Open your book.”  Meredith interrupted, her stern tone slicing through his timid demeanor.

The mage’s eyes widened, but he opened the tome without another second of hesitation.  When Meredith gestured for him to turn the book towards her, he complied as well.

Meredith narrowed her eyes at the small text.  Templars were required to have at least a basic understanding of magic theory, but the content in the book was definitely beyond her grasp.  The tiny print and cluttered diagrams didn’t help.  Still, nothing seemed sinister.

“Turn the pages.”

The mage obeyed and Meredith watched the pages that flipped through his fingers.  From what she could gather, nothing seemed out of place.  Nothing was smuggled in within the pages.  Nothing was written over the text.  Nothing was there to indicate that this wasn’t just a normal tome taken from the Circle’s library.

Meredith watched cautiously as he turned through the last few pages.  The mage certainly seemed skittish, but he was clean.  There was no reason for her to hold him from his studies.

“You may go.”

The apprentice’s eyes seemed to light up with both alleviation and disbelief.  He bowed his head as he walked backwards into the library.

“Thank you for your patience, Ser.”

Meredith just waved her hand dismissively and continued her shift.

 

* * *

 

Orsino felt like he couldn’t relax until he was all the way inside the library.  The soothing scent of old books and parchment numbed his brain from any fear he felt earlier.  When he was in the library, he was just a mage doing his work.  The templars wouldn’t have a reason to bother him.  Not that they needed a reason.

He let out a weary sigh before making his way through the winding maze of bookshelves to the tables arranged against the other side of the room.  Maud managed to claim a table near the window, which couldn’t have been easy since those seats were always coveted by the other mages.  The windows were barely more than small gaps in the stone walls covered with glass, but they provided the mages with a rare glimpse of life outside the Gallows.  Even if that life was just the endless gray ocean that surrounded them.

Maud was staring longingly out of the window with a dazed look in her eyes when Orsino sat down across from her.  She didn’t move her gaze until she heard the light thump of his tome opening against the desk.

“Oh, Orsino,”  she tried to push a few loose strands of her thick black hair out of her face, only for them to flop back down.  “I saved you a seat.”

“I saw.  Thank you.”

“Did those templars give you trouble again?”  Maud lowered her voice, her brown eyes softening.

Orsino’s hand subconsciously reached for his pointed left ear.  A few days prior, one of the templars outside the library yanked on it.  Hard.  It still hurt.  Being a mage was hard enough, but being an elf just caused him to stand out more.

He shook his head.  

“Actually, another templar helped me walk past them, so they left me alone.”

Maud looked like someone splashed cold water on her face.

“One of the templars _ helped _ you?  Which one?”

“I didn’t get her name.  She was around our age, blonde hair, kind of serious-looking.”

For a moment, Maud was stuck in a stunned silence--which didn’t happen often.

“Are you talking about Ser Meredith?”

This was definitely not the first time Orsino heard that name.  All of the apprentices heard of Meredith Stannard.  They heard she outperformed all of the other recruits.  They heard she was intensely devoted to the Templar Order.  They heard that she was the one they would have to fear the most some day.

“Might have been her,”  Orsino shrugged.  “I think she just wanted me to get back to work.”

“Speaking of which, we should start studying,”  Maud flipped back a few pages in her book.  “I believe we were supposed to go over the early history of the Chantry.”

Orsino groaned and let his head collapse against the open tome.

Maud’s eyes flicked up at him.

“What’s the problem?”

“I thought we were done with the Chantry,”  Orsino’s complaints were muffled against the pages.  “This is so tedious.”

“Look around you, Orsino,”  Maud gestured to the Chantry symbols decorating the library wall.  “We’re never ‘done’ with the Chantry.”

“All I'm saying is that the enchanters put so much emphasis on our Harrowing, but they’re not teaching us anything that would help us prepare.”

“How do you know this isn’t going to help us?”

Orsino peeled his face off of his book.  “What?  The Harrowing is just being tested on the history of the Chantry?”

“Not exactly,”  Maud leaned in close to him and lowered her voice to a whisper.  “I heard the Chantry makes the apprentices sing hymns and the templars judge you on your performance.”

“Maker.  If that’s the case, just make me tranquil.”

Maud stifled a laugh.  “Orsino, that’s horrible.”

“Have you heard me sing?  It would be an act of mercy.”

With a sigh and another playful rolling of her eyes, Maud returned to the open book before her.

“You’re smart and you’re a good scholar, I know you are.  You can do this.”

“But I don’t want to be a good scholar,”  Orsino let his eyes wander across the print, not absorbing any of the information.  “Good or bad, the Circle is going to notice you.  If you aim for mediocrity, your life will be so much easier.”

“The Circle is watching us anyway, Orsino.”

“True, but you can affect how  _ closely _ they watch you.”

Maud huffed her breath the way she always did when she knew she wasn’t going to sway him.  They had this conversation a thousand times before and it always ended the same way: Maud changing the subject instead of accepting defeat.

“The letters came today,”  despite her frustration before, Maud’s entire face lit up as she spoke.

The Circle mages were banned from any contact with the outside, other than their mail privileges.  After the letters were inspected by the tranquil, they were given out to their recipients.  The ordeal became something of an unofficial monthly holiday within the Gallows, but Orsino never got much use out of it.

But Maud looked forward to this day more than Wintersend or Satinalia combined.  She would curl up in her quarters and read the letters from her family over and over again until her eyes grew watery.  There were times when she would read the letters with Orsino.  This happened so often that he was reasonably sure that he could write an entire biography about her family and their neighbors.  At least the gossip was interesting and it provided Orsino with a glimpse of what having a traditional family was like.

After the letter was read thoroughly, the parchment was stashed away in a chest that contained eight years worth of letters.  Then she would write a response that was easily ten times as dense as any of the reports she had to write for her classes.

Orsino would spend the evening with a book as he listened to everyone else open their letters.

“Maybe this will be the year,”  Maud tried to reassure him.

Orsino’s eyes strained as he struggled to focus on the book before him.  He was taken to the Circle three years before Maud was and he still hadn’t received a single letter.  So much time had passed that he couldn’t remember what it was like to have a real home.  With a real family.

It didn’t tear him up too much.  It was enough to hear Maud talk about how warm her dog, Rosie, would feel when she fell asleep by her feet.  It was enough to hear about how she would always wake up to the sound of her older sister singing as she tended the farm.  It was enough to hear about how her family kept her chair at the dinner table, even though she was no longer there to sit in it.

Still, Orsino waited for the day he would enter the mail room and not leave empty-handed.

He would have to keep waiting.


	2. Chapter 2

Meredith hid in the cellar, painfully aware of the chaos that was happening outside.  The weather-worn wood door couldn’t block out the screams that pierced through her ears, the scent of blood filling her nostrils, or the feeling of hot tears streaming down her cheeks.  Her left calf stung from where Amelia, or what was once Amelia, swiped at her.  Meredith was there when she saw her older sister distort into that horrible creature.  The wound left on her leg was all she had to show of her encounter.  Her parents weren’t as lucky.

More than a decade had passed and Meredith found purpose within the Templar Order.  But every night, she woke up back in that cellar.  Her eyes were aching.  Her breathing was ragged.  Her blonde hair was stuck to her cheeks with dried tears.  She stared at the ceiling, waiting for the wood door of the cellar to be replaced with the stone walls of the barracks.  Meredith swore her nightmares only got worse after she started taking lyrium.  She was told it was a common side effect, but that didn’t make it feel less real.

The stone floor was cold against Meredith’s bare feet as she paced back and forth through the barracks.  She tried to keep her mind focused on anything else.  The gentle patting of her feet against the floor.  The rhythmic breathing and snoring of the other recruits.  The lulling sound of the waves lapping at the shore outside.  If she let her mind go blank for even a second, she was right back in that cellar.

The moonlight flowing through the windows made it easier for Meredith to see as she stepped quietly through the hallway.  The lack of templars bustling through made the area feel like it was frozen in time.  Meredith wasn’t focusing on where she was going.  She couldn’t even remember leaving the barracks.  But she soon found herself outside of Knight-Captain Wentworth’s office.  She stood in the doorway, watching him look over his paperwork until he finally noticed her.

“Meredith?”  his tired eyes softened.  “Is everything okay?”

“Ser Wentworth,”  Meredith bowed her head as she felt a sense of shame wash over her.  Was she really going to the knight-captain because she had a bad dream?  “I didn’t mean to bother you.  I’ll leave you to your work.”

“Meredith,”  Wentworth repeated, this time much more stern.  “If something is troubling you, I want to help.”

Meredith could feel her lip start to quiver, but she hid it behind her hair.  She kept her gaze lowered when she entered Wentworth’s office and sat in the rickety wood chair across from his desk.  For the longest time, she didn’t speak.  Wentworth went back to his paperwork, but it didn’t bother her.  The sound of his quill scratching against the rough parchment helped relax her racing mind.  When she found the words, she could barely get her voice above a whisper.

“I had a nightmare again.”

Wentworth immediately dropped his quill and pushed his paperwork to the side.  The shame Meredith felt in her chest grew stronger.  Her quivering hands tugged at the ends of her tangled flaxen hair.

“Just from the lyrium,”  Meredith stared at the threadbare rug beneath Wentworth’s desk, straining her eyes in an effort to keep them from tearing up again.  “I shouldn’t have bothered you.”

“Meredith, please,”  Wentworth reached his hand across his desk.  “You know you can talk to me about anything.”

There was no use talking to Wentworth about the incident.  He was there.  But Meredith nodded, hiding her face behind a veil of hair to cover her leaking eyes.

“I feel so weak, ser,”  she sniffed and rubbed her running nose with the back of her hand.  “I could have saved at least one person.  But I couldn’t.  All those people died while I hid like a coward.”

Wentworth said nothing for the longest time.  He took her trembling hands in his, which helped her feel more grounded.  Meredith’s hands were starting to grow rough from the years of rigorous training, but they were nothing like Wentworth’s.  The numerous scars and burns that decorated his aged hands told the story of a soldier who saw his fair share of battles.  Including hers.

“Do you remember what you said to me when the templars found you?”

Meredith couldn’t speak, but she nodded.  Her nightmares always ended when she was still in the cellar, but her conscious mind remembered everything.  She remembered holding her breath and praying to the Maker with every fiber of her being as the cellar door creaked open.   As sunlight seeped in through the cellar, Meredith saw the form of a templar knight standing above her.  If she wasn’t already crying, she would have wept at the sight of the Templar insignia on his armor.  Her prayers were answered.

“You pulled me out of that cellar,”  she squeezed Wentworth’s hand tighter, recalling the moment she first saw him hold his hand out to her.  “You explained everything to me.”

“That has always been the worst part of my job,”  Wentworth let go of her hand and passed her a handkerchief.  “And it happens far too often.”

“I prayed to the Maker for my own survival, but I didn’t bother to think about anyone else,”  she dabbed her aching eyes with the handkerchief.

“We must be remembering things differently then.  The templars were going to take you to the orphanage, but you wouldn’t have it.  You _demanded_ that we take you with us.  The moment you realized what happened, you knew this was the path for you,”  he chuckled.  “I’ve seen captains with less fire than you had.  There was no doubt about it: you were going to be a templar.”

A snort escaped Meredith’s nose.  “I was a bit of a brat.”

“No, you were dedicated and courageous.  And do you remember what I said to you?”

Meredith’s lips twitched into a smile.  “‘You will be a templar’.”

Wentworth smiled back at her, the ends of his graying mustache curling up.  “You were never one to take the easy path.  After experiencing one of the worst moments a child could ever witness, you didn’t want to run.  You wanted to follow the path the Maker sent you on.”

Meredith shrugged.  “Anyone would have done the same.”

“Not true.  I know templar knights who are too frightened to go up against an abomination.  You were a child when you saw the destruction they caused and you still knew this was the right thing to do.”

She looked up at him with bloodshot eyes.

“No child should have to go through what I did.  I want to make sure it never happens again.”

“I know there isn’t a lot I can do about the nightmares.  But don’t stray from your path.  When doubts plague your mind, remember your cause.  Your impressive combat skills may make you a good soldier, but it’s your devotion that will make you a good templar.”

Meredith stared down at her trembling hands.

“Amelia wasn’t a bad girl,”  Meredith had to struggle to keep her voice level.  “She didn’t like using her magic.  She didn’t want it.”

“A lot of mages aren’t bad people by nature,”  Wentworth sighed.  “But sometimes they are pushed to do bad things.”

“But why did the Maker curse her?!”  

The words exploded out of Meredith before she had the time to think about them.  What used to only exist as an abstract idea in the back of Meredith’s mind was now out in the open.  Meredith sat back with wide eyes, waiting for the Knight-Captain to get angry with her.

Instead, he sighed and took her hand again.

“We can’t always know the Maker’s ways.”

“I’m sorry, I…”

“There’s nothing for you to be sorry about, my dear.  With everything we templars are forced to face, sometimes we end up questioning our faith,”  he met her eyes.  “If this starts happening with you, remember those families you are fighting for.  Never forget why you became a templar.”

Meredith bit her lip and nodded, pushing herself out of her seat.

“Thank you for your guidance, Ser Wentworth.”

“It’s the Maker who guides you, Meredith,”  Wentworth smiled, returning to his paperwork.  “But I’m happy to assist in any way I can.”

Meredith left Wentworth’s office and went back to the barracks.  She collapsed back down onto her cot and stared at the chantry symbol above the door until her eyes felt heavy.  Then she fell into a peaceful dreamless sleep.

 

* * *

 

Meredith’s eyes were still blurred from exhaustion.  She was told that insomnia came with the job, but she knew she was in no shape whatsoever to face down an abomination.  Still, she continued her duty patrolling the halls as usual.  When she was working, she didn’t have to think about the nightmares.  She didn’t have to dwell over how helpless she felt.

Something caught her eye when she reached the end of the hallway; a sealed envelope discarded on the floor.  Meredith frowned and knelt down to pick it up.

The edges of the eggshell white envelope were slightly scuffed-up from the feet walking over it all day, but overall it still seemed to be in decent shape.  The signet ring used to seal the envelope was adorned with the symbol of the Circle, so it was likely that this was a letter from a mage.  The rest of the letters were sent out a week ago.  This one must have been lost in the shuffle.

She continued to turn the envelope around in her hands.  A letter home, most likely.  Still, Meredith couldn’t help but feel curious.  Curious, or suspicious.

The mail room was just down the next flight of stairs, but that’s not where Meredith went.  Instead she took a sharp turn down the corner leading back to the barracks.

After the wooden door swung shut, Meredith tossed the letter onto her bedside table.

 Looking over her shoulder, Meredith approached the envelope while reaching for the small knife she kept strapped to her belt.  With bated breaths and careful hands, she slowly slid the sharp blade between the scarlet wax seal and the paper.  She pulled away and the envelope fell open, the circular pink stain on the paper providing the only evidence that the seal was once there.

The knife was put away and Meredith reached inside the envelope, fishing out the letter--which had to be at least five pages in length.  Each page was covered with orderly but dense handwriting.  Meredith squinted her eyes and scanned the writing for anything that looked suspicious.  Of course she knew that she would have to be thorough.  It wasn’t like a mage who was planning on acting against the Circle would say it so plainly.  So Meredith sat down on her cot and began reading the letter line by line.

The first part of the letter detailed the mage’s life in the Circle, but most of it wasn’t that different from the usual complaints she overheard from apprentices.  However, it didn’t seem like the mage was making any real effort to escape.  She did learn that the mage had a friend named Orsino who was purposely underperforming in his classes to avoid the notice of the Templars.  Meredith found herself sharing the mage’s frustration with him, but she didn’t think the matter was worth notifying the templars about.

The details of the mage’s life before the Circle came out more as the letter went on.  She learned that her dog, Rosie, got sick.  Meredith’s chest tightened until she read further and found out Rosie got better.  She learned that the mage had an older sister who would be getting married in the spring, but the mage would never be able to attend.  She learned that the mage still longed for their mother’s excellent baking.

Meredith was lying on her cot, pages of the letter strewn around her.  The further she went, the less she was reading the actual letter that was in front of her.  Instead her mind was back home, imagining herself patiently waiting for Amelia’s letter from the Circle to arrive.

When the letter would finally come, Meredith and her parents would crowd around the fireplace to read it.  Amelia was always a timid and fragile girl so her family knew the Circle would be hard on her.  Meredith imagined the relief and absolute joy that would wash through the Stannard household when they received the letter informing them that Amelia passed her Harrowing.

Meredith was shocked back into reality when a single tear fell from her eye and onto the page below.  She started to panic, but then she noticed there were already other similar tear stains on the paper.  When she finally reached the end of the letter, her watery eyes struggled to focus on the signature.

_“With love, Maud”_

She stared up at the ceiling, letting the last page slip from her fingers and onto the hard stone floor.

At least the mage had a family she could write to.

Meredith sat up, gathering the pages together.  As she re-folded the papers carefully along the creases, she couldn’t help but picture the fear Maud’s family must have felt when her letters never reached them.  Meredith was fairly sure she would have stormed the Gallows herself if she didn’t receive confirmation that Amelia was safe.

The letter was slipped back into the envelope which was soon resealed to the best of Meredith’s ability.

Her only motivation was to inspect the mage’s letter to make sure she wasn’t plotting against the circle.  It was a simple plan.  But as Meredith trudged to the mail room, she couldn’t ignore the sinking feeling in her chest and the feeling of nausea in her gut.

Probably from the lyrium.

* * *

 

The longer the day went on, the more Orsino’s classes felt like a blur.  He didn’t even think about the ideas he scribbled down as he tried to keep up with the enchanter’s lecture.  Often times he would read over his notes the next day and have no memory of writing any of it.

Orsino glanced over at Maud who was seated on the floor beside him.  She wasn’t writing.  Her parchment was blank.  The pen in her hand slowly wove in and out between her fingers as she stared out the window.  She was completely lost.

Whatever Enchanter Ines was saying turned into background noise as Orsino gently nudged her with his elbow.  Maud jolted up as if he zapped her with lightning.  She looked back at him.  Her eyes had a dazed appearance to them, almost like those of the tranquil.  But the rest of her face looked grim and tired.  She smiled as if to reassure him that she was fine, but it was obviously forced.  Orsino knew what Maud’s smile looked like.  That wasn’t it.

The class ended.  Orsino’s knees ached from sitting on the floor for so long.  Just when he was about to talk to Maud, the enchanter stopped them.

“Maud,”  her voice was stern, but there was still a softness to it which was often missing when the templars spoke.  “I need to have a word with you.”

Orsino froze.  It was difficult for him even to process all of the panicked thoughts that raced through his mind.

Maud looked at him.  This time, she didn’t bother to force a smile.  The worry on her face was clear as day.

Having to walk out of that classroom alone was the most difficult thing he ever had to do.  It was difficult to know just how much trouble Maud was in.  The weeks after she received her letters from home were always hard on her, but Orsino noticed her studies were slipping more and more.  If he could just find some way to help her…

“Where’s your bodyguard?”

Orsino stopped walking the second the templar’s voice interrupted his thoughts.  

Soon enough, he was surrounded by a small group of templars.  Orsino kept his head down so he never knew how many there actually were, but there had to be at least three or four.  Looking them in the eye would just be taken as a sign of aggression, so he never attempted to check.

He heard one of the templars laugh.  Before he knew it, a strong hand was shoving him against the cold stone wall.  What had to seem like a playful push to the templar caused a sharp pain to erupt up the mage’s back.  Still, he kept his gaze lowered.  It would be over faster that way.

“This one actually tried to hide behind Meredith,”  the templar’s hand was still digging into his shoulder.  Orsino didn’t bother to resist.

The other templars laughed in response.

“Maker that’s pathetic.”

“You should have been there!”  The grip on his shoulder tightened.  “Almost didn’t notice him.  Until we saw those ears of his poking out behind her.”

Rage began to simmer in Orsino’s chest, but he pushed it back down.  There was no point in resisting.  It would only cause a scene.

“Does he speak?”

“I don’t know,”  the hand started to shake him.  “Come on, mage.  Can you speak?”

Orsino finally brought himself to meet the templar’s gaze.  The templar was too close to his face.  He couldn’t look away.  The templar’s face wasn’t particularly cruel.  Dark hair, sleepless eyes, uneven stubble.  He looked like any other young man, except he had the power to ruin Orsino’s life.

“I...I can speak, Ser,”  he finally managed to stammer out.

“Looks like we got a prodigy on our hands.”  The templar shook him again before finally releasing his grasp.  “What else can you do, mage?”

“Come on, Sven,”  one of the other templars chuckled.  “You know the commander’s gonna kill us if we’re late again.”

Orsino wanted to feel grateful, but it was clear that the templar didn’t really care for his well being.  This was all just a game to them.

The templar who was holding Orsino stepped backwards, then lurched forward to strike him.  The hit never came.  Instead he laughed when Orsino instinctively covered his face with his arms and sank down to the ground to defend himself.

“Stay out of trouble, mage,”  the templar grinned as if he was saying goodbye to an old friend.  As if Orsino wasn’t terrified for his life.

Orsino couldn’t do anything other than nod as he struggled to stand up straight.  The templars were much more merciful than they could have been, but he was still shaken.  Some of the other apprentices passing by gave him concerned looks.  He quietly reassured them that he was fine before hurrying to the library.

The table near the window was taken by another group of mages, but Orsino managed to grab one nearby.  He sat down, positioning his chair so it faced the library entrance, and waited.  His book never opened.  He didn’t move.  He didn’t allow himself to relax until he finally saw Maud walking towards him.

Before Orsino had a chance to ask her if she was okay, her eyes widened.

“Did the templars bother you again?”

Orsino noticed that his robe was askew from when the templar grabbed him.  He shrugged and smoothed out his sleeves.

“It wasn’t as bad.  But what about you?  Is everything okay?”

Maud let out a shaky breath,  “Enchanter Ines said I haven’t been doing well in my classes.”

A chill ran up Orsino’s spine, but he found a way to keep his voice calm.

“Is there something specific that’s challenging you?  I can help you study if you need it.”

Maud shook her head.

“It’s not that.  It’s just…”  she sighed.  “I’ve just been tired lately.”

“Are you sure?”  his fingers fidgeted against the leather cover of the tome.  “If you need help, I’m here for you.”

“I know, Orsino,”  Maud pushed her hair out of her face and smiled at him.  This time it didn’t look forced.  “Thank you.”

Orsino opened the book to begin studying.  He waited for Maud to do the same, but it never happened.  Her book remained closed.  Her dark eyes were glazed over as she stared down at the table.

He pushed his book to the side.

“Maud…”

She shook her head,  “It’s nothing.  I don’t want you to worry about me.”

“Too late.”

Maud looked over her shoulder for a moment before meeting Orsino’s eyes again.

“I feel like running away.”

Orsino gasped and ducked his head down as if she had admitted to practicing blood magic.

“You shouldn’t say things like that,”  he lowered his voice to a raspy whisper.  “What if the templars hear you?”

“I’m not going to actually do it.  There’s no point,”  Maud pressed the side of her face against the old wooden table, her eyes drifting off into nothingness again.  “But wouldn’t you want to live some place where people don’t automatically look down on you?  Don’t you get sick of people thinking they can do whatever they want to you because they know you can’t do anything about it?”

“I’m an elf, so that’s going to be my reality no matter where I live.”

“But outside the tower, I can fight anyone who tries to mess with you.”

Orsino let out a small laugh,  “And out yourself as an apostate in the process?”

“You don’t need magic to punch someone in the face.”

They smiled at each other and for a split second, the worries weighing down Orsino’s mind were lifted.

“I would love to show you my home,”  Maud’s finger lazily traced over the patterns engraved onto the cover of the book.  “My real home.  Not here.”

There was a part of Orsino’s mind that knew talking about Maud’s family with her would only make things worse, but she always looked so happy when the subject came up.

“Do you think your family would like me?”

“I talk about you so much in my letters, you’re practically part of the family by now,”  her eyes swept over his thin frame.  “Although, my mother will force you to eat the second she sees you.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Do you really remember nothing about your family?”  Maud’s voice softened.  “I told you so many things about mine.  I want to know more about yours.”

A weary sigh escaped Orsino’s chest.  They had this conversation multiple times.  It was true that he hardly remembered anything about his life before the Circle, but also he tried his hardest to not remember.  Being locked in the Gallows was easier when he believed there was nothing else out there for him.

“No,”  he looked away from her for a moment.  “There was nothing worth remembering.”

“That’s not true,”  Maud reached her hands out towards his.  “That’s your home.  That’s who you are.”

“So who I am now is defined by who I was when I was five?”  Orsino patted her hand and smiled.  “Good to know.”

Maud huffed,  “You know what I mean.”

Any response Orsino had was interrupted by the sound of someone loudly clearing her throat.  Maud and Orsino snatched their hands away and sat up straight in their chairs.  Orsino felt his blood run cold when he saw Meredith standing in front of their table.  It was hard to tell how long she was standing there.  He didn’t hear her approach.

“Ser Meredith,”  Orsino’s voice was barely detectable.  All he could do was internally pray to the Maker and whoever else was listening that she wasn’t there to hear the entire conversation.

Meredith barely acknowledged Orsino and instead turned her attention towards Maud.

“The letter you wrote,”  Meredith’s voice still made Orsino want to run and hide, but there was something different about it.  Something more...fragile.  "I found it on the floor.  It was dropped on its way to the mail room."

Maud nodded, her eyes wide and her hands vibrating against the table.

“Oh...”

Meredith was quiet for an awfully long time.  Each second of silence suffocated Orsino more and more.  At least the templars in the hall were straightforward.  There was no way to get an accurate read on Meredith.

“I wish to discuss the content,”  Meredith spoke slowly, as if she was taking extra time to carefully piece each word together.  “Of your letter, that is.”

Maud stopped shaking.

“You read my letter?”

Meredith shifted in her heavy plate mail.  It was strange to see a templar look so uncomfortable, especially when speaking to an apprentice.

“I simply wanted to examine it for any signs of corruption.”

“And did you find any?”  Maud’s voice was trembling.  But Orsino knew her well enough to know that it wasn’t from fear.  It was rage.

Meredith looked down at the floor and shook her head.

“No.”

“Then what is there to discuss?”  Maud stood up, her volume rising just enough to still be library-appropriate.  “Letters are one of the few freedoms we mages still have, and you’re going to confront me on that too?”

“I am so sorry for her behavior, Ser,”  Orsino tried to push Maud back down from across the table.  “She’s exhausted from studying so hard.  She doesn’t know what she’s talking about.”

“I know what I’m talking about, Orsino,”  Maud swiped his hand away.  “I did nothing wrong, but the templars are treating me like I’m a criminal anyway!”

Meredith’s icy blue eyes narrowed at her.  Orsino was clawing at the cover of the book as his heart raced.  Once again, the silence from Meredith felt like an eternity.

“I delivered your letter for you.”  Meredith spoke at last, but her voice was much quieter.  "You're welcome, by the way."

Maud sank back into her seat in disbelief as Meredith left the library.  The fire that was once within her was extinguished and replaced with cold fear.

It took a few minutes for Orsino to regain control of his breathing.

“What were you thinking?”  Orsino whispered through his teeth.  “You can’t talk to a templar like that.”

“I don’t know,”  Maud buried her face in her hands.  “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

“All we can do is hope she won’t go to her superiors about this.”

“Why wouldn’t she?”  Maud’s voice broke.  “What if we lose mail privileges because of me?”

“They wouldn’t do that,”  Orsino reached across the table to rest a hand on her trembling shoulder.

“If the templars wanted to, there would be no way to stop them,”  her words were still laced with fear, but she seemed to relax momentarily under his touch.  “We mages have no one to speak for us.”

“What about the First Enchanter?”

Maud gave Orsino a look.  Even he knew what he said was nonsense.

“First Enchanter Maceron, really?”  she huffed.  “Have you ever _seen_ him?  I don’t think he even exists.  What if the templars keep a giant wooden puppet in his office?”

“Well, thank you for letting me know what my nightmares are going to be about for the next week.”

“I just think that the First Enchanter should be someone who can speak for the mages,”  Maud looked away, sagging her shoulders.  “Someone who can make us feel less alone.”

“Maybe you should do it.”

Maud snorted.

“ _Me?_  You really think someone like me could become the First Enchanter?”

“Why not?”  Orsino managed to keep his tone supportive, but in the back of his mind he was laughing at the thought of his mousy childhood friend becoming leader of the Kirkwall Circle.  “You have a vision for the mages here.”

“Maybe you should do it instead,”  Maud smirked at him.  “You’re better at getting through those boring magic books.”

“True, but I deal with enough templars already.  I can’t imagine having to work with them on a daily basis.”

“But the idea of being on equal footing with the templars does sound nice.  Who knows.  Maybe I could do it.”

Orsino leaned forward, resting his head against the palm of his hand.

“You know…”  he grinned at her.  “If you want to become the First Enchanter, you’re going to have to study.”

Maud crumpled up a piece of paper and threw it at his head.


	3. Chapter 3

A loud  _ thwack _ filled echoed through the training yard as Meredith slammed her sword against the straw dummy’s metal plate armor.  Each heavy breath she took burned its way down her throat.  A few strands of her wavy blonde hair escaped her messy ponytail and fell in front of her eyes, but she didn’t bother to push them away.  All of her attention was focused on the sword in her hands and the anger overwhelming all of her other senses.

Of course she was angry at Maud.  But most of her anger was directed towards herself.  Honestly, what was she expecting to gain from approaching Maud in the library?  What possessed her to do something so...idiotic?  Were they going to have a heartfelt conversation with each other?  As long as she was a templar and Maud was a mage that would never happen.

The sweat from Meredith’s brow fell into her eyes, causing them to sting, but she kept swinging the sword.

_ Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. _  That interaction accomplished nothing except made her out to look like a fool.  How could she expect any mage to take her seriously after that?  She needed to find some way to show these mages that she couldn’t be walked over.  Then maybe…

“Stannard!”

Meredith’s instructor’s voice threw her out of her thoughts.  Her heavy breathing began to slow down as she faded back into reality.  The straw dummy was knocked over and practically in shreds under the armor.  The other templar trainees were standing nearby, watching her with stunned and fearful expressions.

Her instructor was standing in front of them with his arms crossed firmly over his chest.

“Training is over, Stannard.”

Meredith nodded and tried to make her way over to them, but a sudden pain erupted in her right shoulder.  A strained shout escaped her throat.  Her sword clattered to the ground as her arm began to grow numb.

Her instructor sighed and shook his head.

“That’s what you get for overworking yourself.  Go to the healers.”

Meredith wanted to protest, but the pain was so intense she couldn’t bring herself to do it.  She clutched her arm to keep it steady and left the training grounds.

Each stomp from her angry footsteps caused smaller twinges of pain to echo through her sore shoulder.  The mages walking through the halls would immediately clear a path when they saw her coming.  She hardly noticed them.  All she wanted was to get to the healers without any distractions…

“Ser Meredith?”

Meredith froze.  Standing directly before her was Maud.  The mage’s wide eyes and the way she leaned away from her made it obvious that she was clearly nervous.  Although not nervous enough that she wouldn’t approach a templar.

“What do you want, mage?”

Maud bowed her head as if she was praying before an altar, her dark hair masking her face and muffling her frantic words.

“Please, please forgive me for my behavior the other day,”  her voice climbed a few octaves in that sentence alone.  “I don’t know what came over me, but I will never disrespect you again.  I am so sorry.”

At least she got an actual apology.  But it wasn’t enough to alleviate any of the anger she felt towards herself.

“I trust you won’t make such a foolish mistake again.  The other templars won’t be as forgiving.”

Maud nodded and opened her mouth to speak.  She stopped when she noticed Meredith wince in pain as her sore arm moved.

“Are you hurt?”  Maud took half a step forward as if she were approaching a wounded ferocious animal.  “I can help you.”

“It’s nothing,”  Meredith hissed through her teeth, clutching her shoulder to keep it still.  “Training incident.  Just need to go to the healers.”

“I can heal you now,”  Maud held her hands out, but made no further movement beyond that.  “It’s the least I can do to repay you for your generosity.  Please.  I know I’m only an apprentice, but I’m good at healing magic.”

Meredith scoffed at the idea of letting an apprentice use her magic in such a fashion, but the sharp pain in her shoulder was hard to ignore and the feeling was only getting more intense.

“Fine,”  she clutched her shoulder.  “But don’t think I won’t have you made tranquil if you try anything.”

Maud nodded and followed her into one of the many offices that lined the hallway of the Gallows.  The second Meredith sat down, Maud already had her hands hovering over her shoulder.  A gentle blue light emanated from her palms.  

“Where does it hurt?”

“Just the shoulder.  Closer to the back.”

Maud’s hands moved and soon enough the pain in her shoulder began to fade away.  Meredith let out a sigh of relief.  She watched how purposely Maud’s hands moved, how her brow knotted in concentration.  Meredith remembered how she would have to beg Amelia to heal her when she would get scraped up from playing outside.  When her sister was finally convinced, she was hesitant and nervous.  The burning pain in Meredith’s shoulder was replaced with a burning sense of shame deep in her gut.  If only she didn’t force Amelia to use her curse.  Maybe then…

“Ser Meredith?”  Maud’s voice was barely a whisper, but it felt like she was speaking centimeters away from her ear.  “Are you okay?”

Meredith jolted up and stared right back into Maud’s worried eyes.  The apprentice’s concern only irritated her more.  Did this mage forget that she was a templar?

“I’m fine,”  Meredith snapped back, averting her gaze.  “You can’t heal everything.”

The healing magic stopped and Maud let her hands fall into her lap.  Meredith’s shoulder suddenly felt cold.

“You said you wanted to discuss my letter,”  Maud’s fingers twisted together.  “Did you still want to?  Am I in trouble with the Circle?”

“I simply wanted to discuss…”  what  _ was _ there to discuss?  Meredith tried to remember the details of the letter.  “You mentioned that your friend, Orsino, is purposely underperforming in his studies.”

Maud sighed,  “It’s frustrating.  He’s really intelligent, but he pretends not to be just because he doesn’t want to get in trouble,”  her eyes widened.  “He’s not in trouble, is he?”

Meredith shook her head,  “no, he’s not.  This was hardly worth mentioning.”

“So…”  Maud shifted in her seat.  “Was that all?”

Meredith rolled her shoulder around.

“Your healing magic worked.  You may go.”

She expected Maud to spring up and bolt out the door the second she was given permission to do so.  But she didn’t.

“If you get hurt again, I can heal you,”  Maud kept her head lowered.  “It’s the least I can do.”

Meredith’s mouth went dry.

“You can’t heal everything.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the short chapter this week. It works better pacing-wise.


	4. Chapter 4

Orsino didn’t see Maud in class.

He knew Enchanter Winfried’s lecture contained valuable information that would help him expand his mind and his abilities as a mage (and more importantly, pass his Harrowing), but he couldn’t concentrate.  The area where Maud usually sat was empty.

_ What if something happened to her? _

The thought felt like a knife to the stomach.  It wasn’t like he was jumping to conclusions.  If a mage disappeared, that was never a good sign.

His palms were sweating.  His heart rate increased.  He couldn’t breathe.

“Orsino.”

Enchanter Winfried’s rough voice brought him back to reality.  

Class was over.  He was the only one left in the room.

“My apologies, Enchanter Winfried,”  Orsino began to gather his things, but the enchanter stopped him.

“Stay.  I need to talk to you.”

Orsino stood in the middle of the room as the enchanter returned to his desk.  His books were trembling in his arms.

“You’re not in trouble.  Relax,”  Winfried sighed and steepled his fingers against the desk.  “But I need to talk to you about Maud.”

Relaxing was not an option, but Orsino took a deep breath and braced himself for whatever the enchanter was going to say.

“What...what about her?”

“Maud has been underperforming in her classes and her absences have become more frequent,”  Winfried stared at him. “Do you know what could have triggered this behavior?”

“She gets homesick a lot, but it usually passes,”  Orsino stared down at his feet.  “We just have to give her time.”

“We can’t just ‘give her time’,”  Enchanter Winfried’s voice sharpened as he stood up.  “She isn’t a child anymore.  Her Harrowing is on the horizon.  She cannot afford to behave like this for much longer.”

“Yes, enchanter.  I know.  I want to help her.”

“Then do so,”  he sat back down and Orsino could resume breathing.  “Before the templars take notice.”

Orsino nodded and hurried out of the room.

 

* * *

 

Meredith saw the apprentice again in the library.

“Ser Meredith?”  Maud looked up from her book.  In the past she always looked afraid when she saw her.  This time, she just looked confused.  Meredith didn’t know if this was better or worse.

The library was mostly empty, aside from the small scattering of mages that would occasionally wander through.

“Why aren’t you in class?”

Meredith saw Maud duck behind the pages of her book.

“I’m just doing some independent studying.”

Meredith’s eyes darted over to the unopened tomes and blank sheets of parchment stacked in a pile on the table.

“Studying hard, I see.”

“...I’m taking a short break.”

She sighed in frustration.  Usually when apprentices were slacking off, they were better at hiding it.  As long as the apprentice wasn’t going to be doing her classwork, she should at least be doing something useful.

“I injured myself during training again,”  she made a show of rubbing her neck and grimacing.  “I need healing.”

“Oh, of course,”  Maud closed her book and slid it across the table.

“It hurts here,”  Meredith pushed her hair to the side and pointed to the back of her neck.

“What happened?”  Maud’s fingers ghosted over her skin, causing goosebumps to rise.

Meredith shook her head.

“I was careless during training.  Don’t worry about me.”

Healing magic radiated from Maud’s careful hands and Meredith held her breath.

“Is your ankle feeling any better?”

Meredith looked down at her left foot.  She came to Maud about it a few days prior.  There was only a small sharp pain in the joints, but she figured she couldn’t be too careful when it came to her health.

“Yes,”  her fingers twisted around some strands of her tangled hair.  “Like you said, you’re good at healing.”

Maud chuckled,  “Well you are giving me a lot of practice.”

“I’m only coming to you for minor injuries.  I don’t want to waste the healers’ time.”

“I know, I know,”  Maud’s magic stopped, her hands returning to her sides.  “ I don’t mind doing it.”

Meredith pushed her hair so it covered her neck again.  She let her gaze wander around the table until it fell upon the book Maud was reading.  It certainly didn’t look like any of the dense books the apprentices had to study from.  Instead of a dusty leather cover, the front of the book looked glossy with bold lettering.  Beneath the title was a rough painting of a young woman with tangled brown hair standing proudly behind a ship’s wheel.

“Is the Circle is making you read  _ that? _ _”_  Meredith furrowed her brow.

Maud snatched the book up and gave a nervous laugh.

“Oh no, this is just something I’m reading for fun.”

“I see,”  Meredith stared at the portion of the cover that peeked out from behind Maud’s arms.  “What is it about?”

Maud unwound her arms around the book and sighed wistfully at the cover.

“It’s about this girl who travels the world by sea and goes different adventures,”  she ran her thumb across the blue-green waves painted on the cover.  “Everyone needs their little escape from time to time.”

“You like travelling?”  Meredith stared at the expression of the girl depicted on the front of the book.  The way the girl seemed to view the world with excitement, not fear.  She missed that.

“Well, I imagine I would,”  Maud shrugged.  “I never got the chance.”

“I used to want to travel the world too,”  she couldn’t stop the corners of her mouth from twisting into a small smile.

“You did?”  the mage placed the book back on the table.  “Why didn’t you?  I mean, you’re not a mage.”

Meredith sighed, “I learned that the world isn’t an adventure, and I would be more useful as a templar.  It’s for the greater good.”

The two sat in silence for a while, until Maud held the book out to her.

“You can have this if you want,”  Maud gave a small smile.  “I already read it several times.”

Meredith reached out for the book, but stopped herself.

“Why are you giving this to me?”

“Just because the world you live in isn’t an adventure doesn’t mean you can’t read about a world that is,”  she pushed the book closer to her.

Meredith slumped her shoulders in defeat and accepted the book.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.  Although it’s very important to me, so I’m going to need it back eventually.”

“I have something for you too,”  Meredith set the book down and reached into her pocket.  “Well, it’s not  _ from _ me, I’m just delivering it.”

Maud tilted her head to the side,  “What is it?”

“It’s, um...”  she sighed and pulled something out of her pocket.  “Here.”

She placed a small package into the mage’s hands.  The seafoam green wrapping paper was once smooth and perfectly-folded, but now it was crumpled and torn in places.  The pearl-colored silk ribbon was once tied in an elegant bow, but now it was wrinkled and hastily tied into a simple knot.

Maud’s eyes went wide, her mouth agape, and her fingers shook as she reached for one end of the ribbon.

“This is…”  the mage took a deep breath.  “This is my mother’s wrapping paper.”

“The Circle has a strict policy against sending gifts that are not letters, but I managed to salvage this one for you,”  Meredith spoke in the usual stern tone she used when addressing mages.  “Of course I had to make sure the contents were appropriate.  Hence why the wrapping looks...not as pristine.”

“I can’t believe you would do this for me,”  Maud had one hand on her chest as took a moment to catch her breath before untying the ribbon.  Stripping away the wrapping paper was a small wooden box.  Maud lifted the lid and gasped.

Inside the box were two cookies, golden brown with chunks of dark chocolate.  A sprinkling of sea salt glistened on top of the chocolate pieces.  Maud’s eyes began to water.

“My mother’s baking,”  she choked and covered her face with her hand, but her smile was impossible to miss.  “It’s been so long.”

Meredith didn’t say anything, although she doubted Maud would have heard her anyway.

When she lifted one of the cookies and took a tiny bite, the tears began flowing down her cheeks.

“It’s like I’m home,”  she placed the cookie back into the box and faced Meredith with red eyes and tear-streaked cheeks.  “I cannot begin to tell you how much this means to me.  Thank you so much.”

Meredith lifted one hand and looked away.  “You don’t have to give me thanks.  I just know what it’s like to be away from your family for a long time.”

“Oh,”  Maud sat back against the bench.  “I suppose that as a templar, you wouldn’t see them that often either.”

Meredith choked and her hands clenched into knuckle-whitening fists, but she nodded.

“Yes,”  she stared at the far wall, not allowing a single expression to leak onto her face.  “It’s been a while.”

“Do they ever write you?”

Meredith felt her entire body grow cold.

“Not as often as I would like.”

“I know what you mean,”  Maud smiled, but it was a small and sorrowful smile.  “What are they like?”

Meredith’s breath caught in her chest.

“I am so sorry,”  Maud held the box tighter.  “That was completely inappropriate, I’m sorry.”

“No, no,”  Meredith rubbed her forehead.  “If you must know, I lived with my parents and my older sister.”

Maud’s face broke into a grin.

“ _ You _ are the younger sister?”

Meredith was taken aback.

“Why do you sound surprised?”

“It’s just…”  Maud shrugged, flipping her thick hair off of her face.  “You seem like a big sister to me.”

“Is that so,”  Meredith couldn’t find it in herself to inform Maud that she barely had any time to be a younger sister.  She didn’t know about her apostate sister, the abomination attack, all those lives that were stolen that day.  As long as she didn’t know, there was no harm in pretending…

“So, your big sister,”  Maud folded her hands on the table.  “What’s she like?  Is she a templar too?”

Meredith felt like she was punched in the stomach.  Her fingers twisted furiously together in her lap.

“No.  She was, I mean, she is still living at home,”  her voice caught in her throat.  “The poor thing could never leave.”

Maud’s pitying look caused burning hot shame to radiate through Meredith’s body.

“You really miss your family, don’t you?”

Meredith couldn’t say anything.  She turned her body away from the mage, clenching her hands into fists and forcing herself to remain stoic.  She was not to show weakness in front of the mages.  She couldn’t let an apprentice see her like this.

She was thrown out of her thoughts when she saw Maud hold one of the cookies out to her.

Meredith shook her head,  “No.  There was a note.  It said the other one is for your friend, Orsino.”

Maud said nothing as she picked up the cookie she already took a bite of and broke it in half.

“What are you doing?”  Meredith’s voice trembled.

“It sounds like it’ been forever since you had home-cooked desserts,”  she held the unbitten half closer to her.  “And I understand that being away from your family is the hardest thing in the world.”

She didn’t remember reaching for it, but at some point the piece of cookie ended up in her hands.  She stared at it, watching as the crumbs sprinkled onto her lap.  She let out a sigh and took a small bite.

Despite being mailed to the Circle in a wooden box, the cookie tasted like it was freshly baked.  The outside was crisp, but the inside was gooey and moist.  The small scattering of sea salt cut through the overwhelming sweetness of the sugar and chocolate.  After years of eating the usual bland food given to the templars, it felt like her tastebuds were being woken up again.

“Wow,”  Meredith desperately wanted to take another bite, but she managed to control herself.

“I know, right?”  Maud sighed.  “Maybe I could ask my mother to make cookies for the other templars.”

The cookie half turned in Meredith’s careful hands.  Maud was right.  It had been forever since she had home-cooked desserts.  She was a little girl when her mother caught her sneaking into the kitchen to steal herself an extra slice of pie from the kitchen.  It felt wrong for her to take part in such luxuries as a templar.  That little girl was gone.  There was no point in trying to cling to that old life.

Meredith handed her piece of the cookie back to Maud.

“You’re not going to finish it?”

“I’m a templar.  I need to focus on my health,”  Meredith stood up, straightening her armor.  “And I’ve taken up enough of your study time.”

“Okay,”  Maud’s voice barely broke above a whisper.

“Maud.”

“Yes, ser?”

Meredith sighed and bowed her head, unable to look at the apprentice.

“I know life in the Gallows isn’t perfect.  But you should be thankful.  It’s far better than the alternative.”

She marched out of the library before Maud had a chance to respond.

 

* * *

 

Orsino ran through the halls as fast as his restrictive apprentice robes would allow.  He would slow down to a reasonable pace whenever he passed a templar, only to resume his panicked running when he knew he was out of their sight.  Maud’s safety was the only thing on his mind.  Most mages who disappeared were either discovered to be dead or tranquil.  Although Maud missed only a few classes, Orsino couldn’t help but assume the worst.

His search ended in the library.  Maud was seated in a rustic leather chair, staring out the window overlooking the Waking Sea.  The panic that was burning in Orsino’s chest was extinguished.  Only to be replaced with anger.

Maud didn’t seem to notice him as he marched over to her table.  Not until he slammed his hand on one of the unopened books beside her.  Even then, she barely reacted.

“Oh, hello,”  she turned around and slid the book out from under his palm.  “Just doing some studying.”

“Why weren’t you in class?”  Orsino tried to sound as stern as possible, but he couldn’t.  His voice shook as he stared into his friend’s eyes.  Just a few minutes ago, he thought he wouldn’t be able to do so ever again.

Maud shrugged, her hair falling over her face as she stared down at the table.

“I had a lot on my mind.”

“You had…”  Orsino sighed and sat down next to her.  “I was so worried, Maud.  I thought something had happened to you.”

“I know.  I’m sorry,”  she sighed and opened the book, absentmindedly flipping through the pages.

Orsino placed a hand on the upper edge of her book, gently pushing it back down onto the table.

“Maud, please.  Talk to me,”  he pleaded as he struggled to make actual eye contact with her.  “I want to know what’s wrong.”

Maud didn’t speak.  Her eyes drifted along the surface of the table.  Orsino followed her gaze until it stopped at a small wooden box sitting in a nest of torn pale blue wrapping paper.

“What is that?”  It certainly didn’t look like anything that would be lying around the Gallows.

“It’s a gift,”  Maud’s voice caught in her throat.  “From home.”

“What?”  Orsino squinted his eyes at the box.  “How did you get this?  I thought we were only allowed to receive letters.”

“That’s not important,”  Maud crumpled a corner of the paper between her thumb and forefinger.

“What is it?”

Maud’s hand moved from the paper to the box itself.  Her movements were slow and sluggish, but Orsino swore he saw that familiar glint in her eye when she lifted the lid.  The same glint he would see when she spoke of her family.

“It’s a cookie.  My mother made them,”  a smile flickered on her face as she picked up one of the golden brown desserts and held it out to him.  “Here.  She made this one for you.”

Dozens of questions were racing through Orsino’s mind.  Most of them centered around how a box of cookies was allowed into the Gallows.  But instead of asking any of those questions…

“Is there salt on that cookie?”

“Uh, yes?”  Maud frowned and tilted her head to the side.  “Is that a problem?”

“It just seems a little weird.”

“Really, Orsino?”  she scoffed.  “It intensifies the sweetness of the chocolate.  Now eat it.”

“I don’t think we’re allowed to…”

“Orsino,”  Maud cut him off.  “If you refuse to eat my mother’s baking, we are going to have a serious problem.”

“Fine,”  he sighed and took the cookie from her.  

Orsino was never one to complain about the food served in the Gallows, but that one dessert was more flavorful than anything he had eaten before in his life.  It was almost too much.  The edges of the cookie had a nice crispness to it, but the excessive amount of chocolate towards the center was way too rich for his tastes.  But Maud was watching him with a grin forming on her face, so he figured there was no harm in forcing himself to finish the rest.

“Now we have to talk,”  He brushed the crumbs off of his robes and turned so he could face her.

The grin faded away and Maud sank back.

“Talk about what?”

“The enchanters are noticing that your performance in class is slipping.  Something needs to be done before the templars notice too.  If there’s anything in particular that you don’t understand, I will help you.  Please,”  his voice cracked.  “Please let me help you.”

“I don’t know,”  Maud shook her head, rubbing her eyes.  “I don’t know how you can stay so optimistic when you’re locked up like this.”

“It’s not about being optimistic,”  a pit formed in Orsino’s stomach.  “It’s about learning to appreciate the life you have.”

“But that’s not living, Orsino.”  She finally looked him in the eyes.  The pain on her face felt like an arrow to the chest.  “You deserve a better life than this.  We all do!”

Orsino knew that this conversation was a lost cause for him.  He knew that he could never help her.  This injustice hurt more than anything he faced from the templars.  He didn’t have anyone outside the Gallows missing him.  The Circle didn’t take him away from anyone.  It felt like Maud was suffering alone.  No matter how many times he offered comforting words.  No matter how many times he read her letters for her because her eyes were too watery to read them herself.  No matter how many times he tried to imagine the people in his alienage missing him.  No matter what he did, he knew he wouldn’t be able to understand.

Maud always seemed to be desperate to uncover the secrets of his past, even though there were no secrets to be found.  He had a feeling that it was out of some need to feel less alone; some desire to realize that someone was going through the same struggle she was facing.  As time went on, Orsino saw this loneliness tighten its grip on her spirit.  Comforting words weren’t the only solution anymore.  He couldn’t let her feel lonely.

“You often ask me questions about my life before joining the Circle,”  Orsino spoke slowly, allowing himself the opportunity to abandon the subject.  “Do you want to hear about it?”

Maud looked up at him, her eyes wide with disbelief.

“Yes, of course.  But only if you want to.”

Orsino took a deep breath.

“I was born in an alienage in Ansburg,”  he shook his head.  “I’m sorry.  It’s been so long and I pushed a lot of it out of my mind.”

“It’s okay,”  Maud gently touched his upper arm.  “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

“No, I want to tell you,”  Orsino closed his eyes as he struggled to conjure up even the smallest memory.  “I don’t think I had a permanent home.  I just stayed with whoever was financially able to take care of me.  So I moved around a lot.  I remember nights when I was sleeping on the street because no one was able to take me in.”

Maud didn’t speak, but she held onto his arm tighter.  It kept him grounded.

“I was five when I discovered I was a mage.  The Circle was notified immediately.  I was left at the front gate, waiting there alone until the templars finally came to pick me up.”

“They just left you there?”

“Yes, but I understand,”  Orsino sighed.  “I was far from the only orphan in the alienage.  Not to mention that I was dangerous.  I set a cart on fire.”

“You always seemed to like fire spells.”

“I was trying to keep warm.  But my first night in the Circle,”  Orsino stared up at the library ceiling looming over them.  “That was the first time I got to lie in an actual bed.  I felt like I actually had a home and a family.”

“Thank you,”  Maud smiled sadly, her shoulders sagging.  “I can’t imagine having to endure that.”

“That’s not why I’m telling you this,”  Orsino panicked as he looked into her eyes.  “My home isn’t in the alienage, it’s here.  My family isn’t in Ansburg, it’s here.  It’s you.  You were my only friend.  I just…”

Orsino’s voice broke.  He turned away from her and covered his face.  When he finally spoke again, his words came out in a light whisper to prevent his watering eyes from spilling over.

“I don’t want anything to happen to the only family I have.”

For a while, neither of them spoke.  Until Orsino felt Maud rest her head on his shoulder.

“I’m sorry,”  she whispered.  “Please, is there anything I can do to fix this?”

He let out a shaky breath.

“Study with me.”

Maud pulled back.

“Right now?”

“Yes,”  Orsino wiped his eyes with his sleeve and grabbed one of the books.  “We need to make up for all of the material you missed in class.”

“If it will help you,”  she scooted closer to him so she could read over his shoulder.

Orsino knew that the traditional homelife Maud described would never be a reality of his.  But as he sat in the library, going over old tomes with his friend, he couldn’t help but wonder if this is what having a family felt like.

It felt perfect.


	5. Chapter 5

The icy cold winds whipped around the outside of the Gallows, stirring the ocean waves as they crashed along the shore.  Even the thick stone walls and the many lit fireplaces weren’t enough to protect those inside from the merciless winter.

Orsino pulled his winter robe tighter around his body as he navigated his way through the bustling mages crowding the halls.  It was almost Wintersend, which meant even more letters were arriving at the Gallows.  None of them addressed to him, of course.  Orsino always wanted to believe that he wasn’t bothered by this, but the fact that he was able to talk about his childhood with Maud caused him to suspect otherwise.  Maybe he hadn’t forgotten his past as much as he would have preferred.

He was prepared to walk right past the mail room as he had always done, but he was stopped by a slow and lulling voice,

“Are you Orsino?”

Orsino stopped in his place and turned around to see one of the tranquil standing in the doorway, a sealed envelope in his steady hands.

“Yes, I am,”  Orsino struggled to keep his eyes from focusing only on the sunburst symbol burned into the man’s forehead.

“This is for you,”  with one fluid motion, the tranquil man presented the envelope to him.

His body went numb.  He spent years imagining this very moment, but he had no idea how to react when it actually happened.  There had to be a mistake.

“That can’t be possible.”

“Oh, my apologies.  You said you were Orsino.”

“I am, I just…”  he rubbed his forehead.  “I wasn’t expecting to receive anything.”

“This letter was addressed to Orsino.”

“Yes, I am Orsino,”  he reached for the letter, perhaps with a little too much enthusiasm.

The tranquil man let the envelope slip from his fingers.

“Have a pleasant day, Orsino.”

Orsino nodded at him before hurrying back through the hall.  He couldn’t even wait to get to the library before opening the envelope.  Was the alienage finally reaching out to him?  Why now?  It had been almost two decades, there was no way any of them would remembered who he even was.

He stopped when he noticed how his name was written on the back of the envelope.  Simple and neat handwriting, but there was a little face drawn in the center of each ‘O’.  There was only one person he knew who always wrote his name like that.

Maud.

For a moment, he felt a twinge of disappointment burn in his chest.  He knew it was foolish to think anyone in the alienage would ever take the time to write to him.  But why would Maud send him a letter?  They saw each other every day and they’ve been friends long enough that there weren’t a lot of things they couldn’t say to each other’s faces.

He had read the letter thoroughly by the time he entered the library.  As usual, Maud was seated by the window, but the glass was opaque from the frost outside.  She looked up from her studying and smiled.

“You’re late.”

Orsino held up the letter.

“I had some reading to get through.”

“Oh good, I was afraid they wouldn’t send it.”

Orsino sat down next to her and smiled.

“Thank you.”

“I sent so many letters to my family,”  she looked up to meet his eyes.  “But I kept forgetting someone important.”

“But why a letter?”  he carefully folded the paper before slipping it back inside the envelope.  “You know you can tell me anything.”

“I remember you saying that you always felt out of place when the other mages were opening their letters,”  Maud shrugged.  “Also there are things in the letter that I didn’t want to say out loud.”

“Like how you’re smitten with Ser Meredith?”

“What?  No!”  she covered her face with her hands.  “It’s not like that!”

“Really?  Because I was definitely picking up on something, the way you talked about her in the letter.”

She jabbed him in the ribs with her elbow.

“Ow!”  he flinched away from her, clutching his side.

Maud lowered her hands, her eyes widening.

“Wait, did I actually hurt you?”

“Yes, I think…”  he smirked at her.  “I need you to heal me.”

“You’re a jerk.”

“Happy Wintersend to you too.”

Maud grinned, then jabbed him in the ribs again.

“Happy Wintersend.”

“I just wish I had a gift for you,”  Orsino sighed.  “For a while, I actually forgot it was Wintersend.”

“You don’t have to get me anything,”  her expression softened.  “You’ve already done enough for me.”

“Maybe next year, I could send you a letter you could use to embarrass me.”

Orsino expected her to laugh or at least jab him again, but she didn’t.  Her smile faded away.  She stared down at the table.  Her head hung low.

“Maybe.”

Her change in attitude caught him by surprise, but he didn’t say anything.  He sat next to her in silence, allowing the whistling winds to fill the void in their conversation.

Years later, Orsino would often think back on this moment.  He couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe if he spoke up, things wouldn’t have turned out the way they did.

 

* * *

 

Meredith held a bowl of lukewarm porridge in one hand as she used the other to knock on the door to Ser Wentworth’s office.  The Knight Captain’s muffled voice granted her permission to enter.  The door creaked as she let herself in.  She sat down in a wicker chair near the far corner of his office as she always did in the evening and started to eat her dinner.  Ser Wentworth took a break from frantically sorting through his paperwork to glance at the calendar on his desk.

“Meredith?”

She looked up from her porridge.

“Yes, Ser Wentworth?”

“Isn’t today Wintersend?”

“Indeed it is,”  Meredith continued eating.

Wentworth smirked,  “Surely you don’t want to spend the holiday eating bland food with an old officer.”

“As opposed to?”  she raised an eyebrow.  “Do you want me to leave?”

“No, of course not.  I always value your company,”  he sighed and steepled his fingers.  “But you’re still young.  You should be celebrating with your comrades, eating good food, having fun.”

“I can’t.”  Meredith sloshed her food around with her spoon.  “I have to get up early tomorrow for training.”

“I can assure you that no one will be able to get up early tomorrow.”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t lose sight of my purpose.  I’ve been letting myself stray from it too much lately.”

“Meredith…”  Wentworth sighed pushed the mountain of paperwork to the side so he could look at her.  “You know I admire your determination.  But sometimes you need to give your mind a break.  Yes, you are a templar and a brilliant one at that.  But you are also a person who deserves happiness.”

“But my training…”

“Would it helped if I ordered you to go downstairs and have a good time?”

Meredith huffed her breath and stood up.

“Fine.  By your order, Knight Captain.”

* * *

 

Meredith regretted her decision immediately.

The large number of templars and the roaring fire caused the mess hall to feel stuffy.  Normally the scent of ale and cooked meat wouldn’t have bothered her, but at that moment it felt suffocating.  Not to mention the laughing, singing, and yelling from her fellow templars was overwhelming.

_ “You’re here to have fun,” _   she scolded herself.   _ “So go have fun!” _

She sat down in the corner with her porridge, hoping that the frantic energy in the room would somehow rub off on her.

The evening became easier to manage once she allowed herself to have one glass of mead.  She still didn’t talk a lot or act particularly wild, but she found that is was much easier for her to laugh along with her fellow templars without being overly critical of them--or herself.  Since she spent most of her time training or working with Ser Wentworth, for once it felt like she was a part of something.  For once, her mind wasn’t on her path, but rather the people she was walking this path with.

That feeling lasted for about an hour.  Sometime in the evening, Meredith came to her senses and her energy plummeted.  She was exhausted.  The simple act of keeping her head from hitting the table took all of her strength.  The other templars would offer her a second drink, but she refused.  She doubted she had the ability to hold her glass anyway.

The templars around her continued celebrating while Meredith let her surroundings drift around her.  In her groggy state, she still managed to listen in on one of the conversations happening nearby.

“...speaking of which, I saw you checking out that apprentice.”

“The curly-haired one?  What can I say, I’m a man with needs.”

Meredith’s groan of frustration was swallowed up by the rest of the noise in the room.  It was embarrassing, really.  Being a templar was supposed to be a tremendous honor, but this behavior…

“I don’t know who does the tailoring for those mage robes, but that person is doing the Maker’s work.”

Meredith slammed her fists on the table, causing some of the glasses to clatter and topple over.

“The people of this city are depending on us to protect them,” Meredith’s voice burned through the conversation like acid.  “And you behave like this?  This is how templars fall victim to desire demons!  How can you expect to defend yourself and your people from evil magic, when you’re too busy ogling the mage?!”

It took Meredith a second to realize that everyone’s eyes were on her.  The conversations stopped.  Some of the templars shifted awkwardly in their seats while others whispered to each other.

Meredith’s face burned from intoxication and her gut burned harder from humiliation.  She stood up and stormed out of the mess hall.  The second she closed the door, she heard the music and chatter resume behind her.

Storming the halls of the Gallows, she made her way to Ser Wentworth’s office where she promptly shoved the door open.

Ser Wentworth hardly seemed surprised.

“Good evening, Meredith,”  he was obviously trying to suppress a smile.  “I see you had a couple drinks.”

“I just wanted to inform you that I failed your request.  I made an utter fool out of myself.”

“At least you tried,”  Wentworth mused before returning to his work.  “Drink plenty of water and get some rest.”

Meredith turned to follow his instructions, but she stopped before she was fully out the door.

“Also, I didn’t have a couple drinks.  I had one.”

When she finally returned to the barracks, she collapsed face-first onto the bed.  Her body felt like it was melting into the cushions and it felt like the humiliation was already washing away.  With her face still pressed against the pillow, her hand groped the stone floor under her bed until her fingertips traced along the spine of a book.  The book Maud leant her.

She kicked off her boots, grabbed the book, and bundled herself up in her itchy wool blanket.  Another year of spending Wintersend by herself.  She couldn’t have been happier.

The light from the candle became a dull flicker by the time Meredith finished the book.  Again.  She sighed and flipped through the pages, until she came across something she hadn’t noticed before: a message in black ink written on the inside cover.

_ To my special girl, _

_ Even inside the Gallows, I know you will find some way to make your life an adventure.  Please read this book if you ever lose sight of that spark. _

_ With love, _

_ Mother. _

Whether from the lack of sleep or the alcohol, Meredith couldn’t keep her tears from flowing.  The rational side of her mind knew that the message wasn’t written for her, but she couldn’t help but hear her own mother’s voice as she read it.  Her mother would always humor her when she raved about her desire to travel, to go on adventures.  She wondered what kind of message her mother would write her if she did get a chance to have those adventures.  She wondered what kind of message her mother would send to Amelia.

Meredith traced her thumb over the words  _ “with love”.   _ Hail pounded on the frost-glazed window.  Tears continued to flow from her misty eyes until she no longer had the strength to keep her eyelids open.

Another year of spending Wintersend by herself.  But for the first time, she truly felt the loneliness.


	6. Chapter 6

As the weeks passed, Orsino could practically feel the day of his Harrowing coming closer and closer.  He didn’t know when it would take place--no apprentice did.  But he could sense it was coming from the solemn looks the enchanters would give him.

So he pushed himself to study harder than ever.  His previous strategy of being only adequate wouldn’t apply here.  The Harrowing was a matter of life and death.  His days were spent combing through as many books as he could get his hands on.  His nights were spent pacing around his cell, repeating the information over and over in his head.

He studied with Maud, of course.  Since they were roughly the same age, it was reasonable to assume that her Harrowing was just on the horizon as well.  However, it didn’t seem like she noticed.  Most of their study sessions consisted of Orsino reading the information out loud while Maud stared off into space.

“Orsino.”

He was on his way to his cell when he heard her voice.

Maud was sitting on her cot, her knees held tightly against her chest.  It wasn’t their curfew yet meaning her cell door was still open.

“Are you feeling okay?”  The cot didn’t even creak as he sat down.  “Are you worried about your Harrowing?”

Through the darkness, Orsino saw Maud shrug.

“Not really,”  a weary sigh escaped her lips.  “I’ve just been thinking.”

“About what?”

“Do you remember when we first met?”

Orsino smiled and for a brief moment it was like his stress faded away.

“Of course.  We had class together.”

“And you set my hair on fire.”

“I…”  Orsino rubbed his forehead.  “I told you I was sorry.  I lost control of the spell.”

“I know.  I remember you were panicking more than I was,”  her smile was clear even through the darkness.  “You refused to leave my side until you knew I wasn’t hurt.”

“I can’t believe the enchanter still let us work together afterwards.”

“That was my first day in the Gallows.  You were the first person here who seemed to care about me,”  Maud’s paused.  “Even if you did set me on fire.”

“Andraste’s Grace, it’s been ten years.”

“I just wanted to thank you.  Lately, I’ve been thinking back on my time in the Circle, and I can’t think of any significant moment you weren’t there for,”  her voice softened.  “I know there are much stronger mages who go their entire lives in the Circle without having a friend like you.  I don’t know how they do it.”

Orsino took her hands in his.

“You are strong, Maud.  You’ve gone through struggles that I can’t begin to understand, but you survived.  Our Harrowings will come, and we will survive those too.  Then we will be able to live without fear.  We just have to keep working hard.”

Maud’s hands slipped out of his gentle grasp.

“Maud?”

“I’m sorry, I just…”  Maud sank away into the shadows.  “I don’t think I’m going to do my Harrowing.”

Orsino felt his blood run cold.

“But you have to do your Harrowing.  It’s either that, or you...or you die.”

Maud shook her head.

“There’s a third option.”

“You don’t mean…”

She looked up to meet his eyes.

“I want to be made tranquil.”

Orsino felt like an iron fist was wrapped around his throat.

“No,”  Orsino got off of the cot and began pacing around her cell.  “No, no, no!  Do you know what you’re saying?!”

“I do, Orsino,”  her hand reached out to grip his wrist, bringing his frantic pacing to a stop.  “It will be better this way, I promise.”

_ “How?”  h _ e sat back down, her hand still around his wrist.  “Why would you willingly do this?”

Her body trembled.

“I can’t stop thinking about home, and all of the moments I’m going to miss.  I’ll never get to see my sister’s wedding.  I’ll never get to meet my niece or nephew.  I stopped opening their letters, but it didn’t help.  The idea of my mind being clear for once...”  Maud’s breath hitched.  “It’s the closest I’ll get to ever feeling free.”

Orsino reached out and wiped away the tears that were falling down her cheeks.

“You can be free without making yourself tranquil.  I still believe you can pass your Harrowing.”

“And then what, Orsino?  I spend the rest of my days locked up here?  Only living for the days I get a letter from home?  Getting abused by templars?  Being treated like a criminal?”

“I know it’s terrible here,”  Orsino’s voice trembled.  “But at least you’re alive.”

Maud’s grip on his wrist tightened.  Her head fell forward, resting against his shoulder.  In a faint whisper he heard her say,

“This is no life, Orsino.”

Orsino’s eyes filled with warm tears.  He wrapped his arms around her, holding her as tightly as he could, as if doing so would prevent her from slipping away.

“Apprentices!”  an enchanter’s voice rang through the halls.  “Return to your cells!”

Orsino didn’t want to leave, but he had little choice on the matter.  He stood up, keeping his hands on Maud’s shoulders.

“Please don’t do this, I’m begging you.  I know my reasons are selfish, but…”

He didn’t want to imagine her tranquil.  He couldn’t.  Her eyes still had sparks of life in them.  Her toothy grin still looked the same as it did when she was a kid.  He couldn’t lose that.  He felt sick to the stomach at the thought of seeing her again, but with the sunburst symbol branded into her forehead.

The image wouldn’t leave his mind, even as he was lying in his own cot that night.  His eyes burned from weeping.  He couldn’t breathe.  He rolled over onto his side and saw the heavy cell door that was preventing him from leaving his tiny room.  Maud’s words echoed in his mind.

_ This is no life, Orsino. _

Orsino squeezed his eyes shut and for the first time in years, he prayed.  Prayed that when he woke up the next morning, everything would be okay.

 

* * *

 

Somehow amidst all of the stress and emotional turmoil, Orsino found the ability to fall asleep.  This didn’t last.  He was abruptly forced awake by the sound of his iron cell door being forced open.

“What…”  Orsino squinted as he forced himself to sit up in his cot.  Through his blurred vision, he saw the vague form of two armored templars standing in his doorway.  If he wasn’t awake before, he certainly was now.

“Get up,”  one of the templars spoke.  It seemed like he was trying to keep his voice down so he wouldn’t wake the other sleeping apprentices, but it still caused a shiver to run up Orsino’s spine.

Orsino scrambled out of his cot as fast as he could, all while his mind was racing.  His anxiety was justified, right?  No good could possibly come from this.

The templars gestured for him to follow them out of his cell and he had no choice but to comply.  He couldn’t breathe.  His nausea was so bad, it felt like he had just swallowed glass.  The templars didn’t speak to him as they lead him through the impossibly dark hallways of the Gallows.  Neither of them bothered to tell him what was going on, but they didn’t need to.

Their walking continued and soon enough, Orsino began to recognize the area he was being lead to: the Harrowing chamber.  Orsino wanted to scream and run away in the opposite direction.  Why now?  He wasn’t ready!  There were still some creation magic concepts he didn’t study hard enough.  Not to mention his crisis with Maud made it near-impossible for him to recall any of his studies.  He glanced up at the chantry symbol decorating the otherwise bare stone wall.  It seemed like his prayer went unheard.  Either that, or the Maker had a sick sense of humor.

The heavy doors slammed behind them and Orsino found himself in a large circular-shaped room, completely empty except for the bowl of glowing blue lyrium in the center.

Two figures were standing near the bowl.  He recognized one as Knight-Commander Guylian, standing proud in his embellished templar armor.  Orsino never had the privilege of meeting the knight commander in person, but he still felt uneasy in his presence.

The other man was First Enchanter Maceron.  Orsino made a mental note to let Maud know that the first enchanter was not a wooden puppet, but a living person.  Well, maybe.  The enchanter’s form was frail and his face withered.  The way he held onto his staff made it seem like he would crumble to the floor without it.

“Magic exists to serve man, and never to rule over him.”

The knight commander’s voice cut through Orsino’s fears, but somehow only amplified them.

Orsino took a series of deep breaths as he tried to relax before slowly making his way towards the bowl of lyrium.  All while staring towards the giant chantry symbol adorning the far wall.

It couldn’t be too late for his prayer to be answered.


	7. Chapter 7

Orsino gasped and fell out of a cot onto the hard stone floor.  He felt like he was carelessly tossed onto the land after almost drowning, but somehow worse.  His throat stung as if he had been screaming at the top of his lungs.  His limbs felt heavy and sore.  His head was spinning.  His ears were ringing.  It felt like his stomach was about to crawl out of his throat.

With slow, sluggish movements, he pushed himself onto his back and saw a mage looking over him.

“Are you awake now?”

Orsino groaned in response.  Eventually he found the strength to sit up, but he still had to lean against the side of the cot.  After a few moments of careful breathing and staying still, his mind began to focus.  The room he was in was definitely larger than his cell in the apprentice quarters.  There was another cot pushed against the far wall as well as a small table positioned towards the center of the room.

The mage knelt down in front of him.  He was a human around Orsino’s age with neat dark brown hair and pale gray eyes.  

Orsino’s eyes instantly fixed on the ugly bruise on the mage’s left cheek.

“What…”  Orsino croaked, before his voice gave out.

The mage smirked and gently touched the bruise.

“The fourth time you awoke, you thought I was a demon.”

Orsino paled.

“The fourth?”

“Perhaps you will stay awake this time.  What’s the saying...seventh time’s the charm?”

“I don’t…”  Orsino stopped as the nausea quadrupled in intensity.  He lurched forward, dry heaving against the stone floor.

The mage bolted to the other side of the room before quickly returning with a bucket.  Orsino felt like he was going to die at any moment, but at least he had someone to hold his hair back.

When it was done, Orsino collapsed back onto the ground, the cold stone sending waves of shock through the overheated skin on his face.

“How do you feel?”

Through heavy breaths, Orsino managed to respond,

“I want to die.”

“That feeling will pass eventually,”  he paused.  “Maybe not.”

The mage knelt down in front of him and extended a hand.

“Quentin.”

Orsino peeled his face off of the floor and held out his own clammy hand.

“Orsino.”

“Congratulations on passing your Harrowing.”

Orsino’s eyes widened, his hand slipped out of Quentin’s grasp.

“I...I passed?”

“Yes.  It’s all over.”

The aching pain Orsino felt all over was still very much present, but at that moment he didn’t care.  The emotional catharsis resulting from everything that had happened was enough to bring tears to his eyes.  Maud, his Harrowing, everything.  He felt more free than he ever had before.

“I passed,”  Orsino couldn’t help but laugh out of shock.  “I can’t believe I passed!”

He gripped the edge of the cot as he forced himself to stand up.

“I have to tell Maud.”

The second he tried to stand, his vision went white and he found himself toppling right into Quentin.

“It’s advised that you remain in bed until your mind recovers,”  Quentin pushed Orsino back onto the cot.

“But I have to tell her!”  Orsino struggled to sit up, but Quentin pushed him back down again.

“I get it, Orsino.  I’m a romantic.  But there is nothing romantic about collapsing down the stairs in front of a woman.”

“Oh no, we’re not…”

“Rest,”  Quentin insisted.  “She will still be there when you wake up.”

Orsino no longer had the strength to argue with him.  His eyes closed and he drifted off to sleep.  He could still hear the voices from the Fade screaming in the back of his mind.

_Why didn’t you help me?_

_Why weren’t you there when I needed you?_

_I am finally at peace._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry for having two baby chapters in a row. i promise the next one is a lot longer.
> 
> also i know quentin is from starkhaven. i have an in-story workaround, i promise.
> 
> i had to sacrifice some canon for the sake of the narrative flow.
> 
> i'm sorry.
> 
> i love you.


	8. Chapter 8

When Orsino finally awoke, his mind was still groggy, but at least most of the pain had subsided.  Perhaps the Maker finally came through.  But as the physical pain wore off, the memories of his Harrowing became even more tangible in his mind.  The Fade, his encounter with the demon, the memories were almost enough to make him feel nauseous again.  He imagined the stress he was feeling outside of the Fade certainly did not help.

Quentin was sitting at the small table, furiously writing on a sheet of parchment until he noticed Orsino sit up.

“Oh good.  You’re awake,”  he stopped writing with a rather theatrical sweep of his arm.  “I brought you dinner.”

Orsino didn’t realize how hungry and thirsty he was until he saw the shallow dish of broth and metal cup of water on the table.  He pushed himself out of bed and sat down across from Quentin.

“How are you feeling?”  Quentin resumed his writing, so it seemed like he was only partially paying attention.

Orsino almost ate half of the broth before he remembered it would be wise if he paced himself.

“Better.  Much better,”  he took a sip of the lukewarm water.  “I never expected the Harrowing to be this physically exhausting.”

“Would you dare call it...harrowing?”

Orsino scoffed and rolled his eyes, but he smiled nonetheless.  It looked like he was going to have to get used to having this Quentin around.  It was so easy talking to somebody like Maud, but Orsino already found himself running out of things to talk about with this relative stranger.

“What are you writing?”

He meant it as a simple ice-breaker, but Quentin’s eyes lit up as if he was waiting for him to bring up the subject.

“Just a letter,” he looked down at his parchment, obviously suppressing a smile.  “I don’t want to bore you with the details.”

“All right.  Sorry, I won’t pry--”

“Well since you asked, I suppose I could tell you,” Quentin placed his pen onto the table.  “You just have to promise not to tell the templars.”

“Uh--”

“There was this girl, back in Starkhaven.  Eleanor,” his entire face relaxed and he looked as if he were staring off into another world.  “I met her before I was transferred here.  She would sometimes visit the shops in the courtyard outside the tower.  We could only speak through the caged window, but...I can’t explain it.  It’s like I knew that the Maker wanted us to be together.”

_ “If the Maker wanted you to be together, He wouldn’t have made you a mage.” _   is what Orsino wanted to say, but he found it easier to just smile and nod while Quentin continued his monologue.  The longer he went on, the clearer it was that he didn’t care whether Orsino was actually listening to him or not.

“...she is a noblewoman and a scholar.  Her eyes shimmer more than any jewel in Thedas.  Her voice is more captivating than any demon.”

“Well it’s good to hear your relationship is built on a lot.”

“I know what the Maker must have felt like when He first heard Andraste’s song.

“Just to be clear, you  _ are _ comparing yourself to the Maker, right?”

“You just need to read my letter.  Then you will understand,”  he picked up one of the sheets of paper and slid it across the table.

Orsino squinted his eyes as he struggled to make sense of the sprawling handwriting.  Through the dense forest of ink splattering and frantic scribbles, Orsino managed to make out an incoherent mess of confused metaphors, gag-inducing romantic platitudes, and what had to be the most disturbing euphemisms Orsino ever had the misfortune of reading.

He must have done a bad job hiding the look of disgust on his face as he set the letter down, because Quentin frowned at him.

“What?  Did you not like it?”

“It’s a little…”  he racked his brain, trying to find a nicer way to say  _ creepy _ .  “...horrifying?”

“Well, I wasn’t aware that I was speaking to the Gallows’ expert of romance,”  Quentin huffed his breath, rolling his eyes.  “How would you write this?”

“I don’t…”  Orsino sighed, twirling the letter around his his hands.  “Why not write something nice, but simple?  Something like  _ ‘I enjoy your company and I hope we can see each other again’. _ ”

“Really?”  Quentin frowned.   _“_ _ That’s _ the best you can come up with?  I felt absolutely no passion from your words.”

“All right, fine.  Maybe I’m not equip to help you write your love letter,”  he handed the letter back to him.

Quentin took the piece of paper and sighed.

“I suppose I did come off as a little intense.”

“Maybe you should try to find the line between ‘I enjoy your company’ and ‘I want to cut off your skin and sew myself into it’.”

“That’s not fair.  My letter wasn’t  _ that _ creepy,”  he chuckled and set the letter aside.  “What about that girl?  What was her name...Maud?  How would you write this sort of letter to her?”

“I wouldn’t write a love letter to Maud.  She’s my friend.  There has never been anything romantic between us.”

Quentin looked shocked.

“Really?  I assumed…”  he paused.  “You kept calling out her name while you were passed out.”

“You’d think we were childhood friends or something.”

“Okay, okay.  Forget I said anything.”

Orsino no longer had the desire to eat.  His memories of the Fade were pounding away inside his mind, desperate to escape.  He could feel his headache returning.  His skin felt cold.  It was getting harder and harder for him to breathe.

“Orsino?”  Quentin pressed the back of his hand against Orsino’s sweating forehead.  “Are you alright?”

“Can we talk about the Harrowing?”  Orsino clutched the front of his own robes and forced himself to steady his breathing.  “I can’t stop thinking about my encounter with the demon and I don’t know who to speak to about it.”

“You’re only supposed to keep the details of the ritual a secret from the apprentices and outsiders, so we can talk about whatever you want,”  Quentin pulled his chair around the table so he could sit closer to him.  “What happened?”

“I saw Maud,”  Orsino rested his head in his hands.  He couldn’t look Quentin in the eyes.  “The Harrowing is supposed to test us, to make sure we’re strong enough to resist a demon.  But there’s no way I was strong enough.”

“But you’re here, so you are strong.”

Orsino shook his head.

“The night before my Harrowing, Maud told me that she…”  Orsino’s voice broke and he had to stop to catch his breath.  “...she told me she wanted to be made tranquil.  She could no longer handle her life in the Gallows.  I couldn’t stop thinking about her.  Even as I entered the fade, my mind was consumed with the knowledge that I couldn’t help her.”

Tears were already escaping Orsino’s eyes, so he made more of a point to hide his face from Quentin.  But his shuddering voice probably gave him away.

“I saw her in the Fade, or at least an image of her.  She was either screaming at me for not helping her, or staring at me with that horrible sunburst symbol burned into her forehead,”  he wiped away his hot tears with the back of his sleeve.  “But I walked right past her.”

Quentin placed his hand on Orsino’s trembling shoulder.

“For you to walk out of the Fade after experiencing such emotional turmoil takes an incredible amount of strength.  It’s the sign of a talented mage.”

“I don’t feel strong,”  he whispered.  “I feel like I failed her.”

“You know what I think?”  Quentin stood up.  “I think you need to see Maud again.”

Orsino tried to stand up as well, but his legs still felt weak so he had to use the table to support himself.

“Do you think I could make it down the stairs?”

“I can carry you downstairs on my back.”

“I would prefer it if you didn’t…”

Any further comment was interrupted by a heavy door being slammed open and full-armored templars marching through the hall.

“All mages are to return to their cells at once!”  one of the templars hollered.  “The tower is now on lockdown!”

All around them, cell doors were being forced shut with a loud  _ clang! _

Orsino felt his heart skip a beat when his own cell door was slammed closed.  The sense of powerlessness he felt in the Fade came back with full force.

“We can find Maud later,”  Quentin peered through the bars of the cell door to investigate.

“I hope she’s okay,”  Orsino joined Quentin, resting his overheated forehead against the cold iron.

“What do you think is going on?”

“I don’t know,”  Orsino sighed.  “How much do you want to bet it’s some apprentice who made a tasteless joke about being a blood mage?  Surprisingly common.”

“I hope it’s a scandal.  We don’t get enough of those.”

“Plenty of tragedies.”

“This floor is secure,”  one of the templars signaled before they began to clear out.

Orsino pulled at the cage door.  Unsurprisingly, it didn’t budge.

“Are they even going to tell us  _ why _ the tower is on lockdown?”

“You assume the templars would tell us anything?”

“I would have expected them to keep information from the apprentices, but we’re official mages now,”  Orsino watched helplessly as the templars stormed out of the dorms, leaving nothing but locked-up mages behind them.

“And now they’re supposed to treat us differently?”  Quentin sighed and returned to the center of the room.  “Well as long as we’re locked in here, you can help me with my letter.”

“Great.  I’ll get the bucket.”

“You just completed a very difficult Harrowing, so I’m going to allow the attitude,”  Quentin smirked and sat down behind the table.  “For now.”

Orsino would have joined him, but he found that he couldn’t bring himself to remove himself from the cell door.  He wrapped his hands around the cold iron, peering out over the empty hallway.  These were the Mage’s Quarters.  It was still taking a while for the reality of the situation to set in.  He no longer had to live in fear, or at least not as much fear.  He was safe from ever being made tranquil.  He faced down a demon in the Fade and survived.  He was an official mage.

He leaned forward and pressed his forehead against the iron bars.

It was hard for him to feel powerful from behind a cell door.

And it was even harder for him to feel powerful when his best friend wasn’t safe yet.

 

* * *

 

The Apprentice Quarters were in a panic.  Cell doors were slamming shut.  Templars were running through the hallways in a frenzy.

Meredith couldn’t trace the source of the chaos.  There were other templars who would bump into her, but none of them would tell her what was going on.  She burned with frustration.  It was embarrassing to see the Templar Order behave with such little direction.  Where were the authorities?

It took her a while, but eventually her questioning lead her to a small group of templars who were crowded around the entrance to a storage closet.  Their legs were trembling, their eye wide as they looked at the closet door.  Some of them appeared to be drawing straws.

“Hey!”  Meredith barked.

The templars instantly looked towards her, but the fear in their eyes didn’t diminish.

“I’ve just been informed that the tower is on lockdown,”  she marched towards them.  “Who orchestrated this?  Who caused this panic?”

A young templar stepped forward.

“I was instructed to fetch one of the apprentices for her Harrowing,”  he scratched his patchy beard as he averted his eyes from Meredith’s cold stare.  “But she slipped out of my grasp and ran into this closet.”

“We sensed magic coming from inside,”  one of the other templars added.

Meredith felt like she was punched in the stomach.   _ No.  Not this again _ .  She did everything she could to appear stoic in front of the templars, but her face was cold and her hands were sweating.  This was the moment her templar training was preparing her for.  She wasn’t going to be powerless this time.  Now, she could finally make up for her past mistakes.

“You!”  she pointed her finger at a few templars who were hurrying past them.  “Go inform Knight Captain Wentworth.”

The templars nodded and disappeared down the hallway.

Meredith took a deep breath as she paced in front of the remaining templars.  What was she doing?  She wasn’t a commander.

She immediately pushed her insecurities to the back of her mind and focused on the task at hand.

“Whatever happens after I open this door, we will be prepared,”  Meredith wrapped her hand around the hilt of her sword, more for support than anything.  “Because this is what we’ve been training for.  This tower and this city are filled with people who cannot defend themselves against what we’ve been training to fight.  And we will fight to defend these people.”

Meredith’s heart raced and she clutched her sword tighter.

“Blessed are they who stand before the corrupt and the wicked and do not falter.  Blessed are the peacekeepers, the champions of the just.”

She turned around to face the door.  This was it.  This was the moment her path was leading her to.  Meredith felt as if she was going to burn alive from the newfound energy that pulsed through her body.

She kicked the door off of its hinges.

The energy she felt before evaporated into a chill.

Her body froze.

The voices of the templars behind her dissolved into silence.

The sword slipped from her fingers and clattered onto the stone floor.


	9. Chapter 9

“What if we die in here?”  Quentin was reclining back on his cot, his head dangling over the edge.  “What if there’s an abomination on the loose?”

Orsino sat behind the table, flipping through the pages of the only book they had in their cell.  The book was about Orlesian gardening techniques, so it wasn’t like the information was particularly useful.  But it was something to keep his mind occupied.

“You don’t think at least a few of the templars would come set us free?”

“Are you being serious right now?”  Quentin sat up, his face red from being upside down for so long.  “If there is an abomination, any templar with half a mind will be miles from the Gallows the minute an escape is possible.  If the templars forget about us, we’re as good as dead.”

“The Gallows used to be a prison tower,”  Orsino mindlessly flipped through what had to be an incredibly interesting chapter about fertilizer.  “It still feels like one.”

“At least prisons are managed.  What’s going to happen to us if we’re trapped in here?  You know, people resort to eating each other in situations like this!”

Orsino scoffed,

“We’ll probably die from the cold long before we have a chance to resort to cannibalism.”

“Or one of us will kill the other in a fit of madness.”

“Can you two lighten up?!”  A voice hollered from the cell next to theirs.  “The templars just left!”

Quentin sighed and rolled back onto his cot.

“If I die in here, I’ll never be able to see her again.”

Orsino stared at the cage door and realized that he was having the same thought as Quentin.  The last time he saw Maud, he was wiping away her tears and promising her that he would come back for her.  The thought of her agreeing to be made tranquil made him want to rip the door off of the stone walls and run to her.

Then there were footsteps.  Heavy footsteps stomping through the hall.  Soon enough, the cage doors were being pushed open.

“The lockdown has been resolved,”  a templar gruffed as he pushed Orsino’s door open.  “You may resume your studies.”

“Is this the part where you tell us  _ why _ the lockdown occurred?”  Quentin sat up in his cot.

“That is official Templar business,”  he looked down at Orsino.

“Are you Orsino?”

“Yes, ser,”  he stood up, hoping that his heavy mage robes were hiding his shaking legs.  The sickness he felt after coming out of his Harrowing was returning at full force.

The templar stepped to the side, gesturing for Orsino to follow him.

“Come with me.  Knight Captain Wentworth wishes to speak to you.”

Orsino couldn’t speak or breathe, but he nodded.  Casting a worried glance over his shoulder at Quentin, he quickly shuffled after the templar.

 

* * *

 

The other inhabitants of the Gallows seemed to be resuming their normal routines after the chaos, but there was a storm brewing inside Orsino’s mind.  The hallways felt longer than they ever had before and it felt like the walls were closing in around him.  The templar never even acknowledged him as he escorted him through the chambers.

Orsino hadn’t walked this much since before his Harrowing.  That and the anxiety pulsing through him caused him to feel light-headed.  In an act of desperation, he leaned against one of the heavy stone walls to prevent himself from collapsing onto the ground.

“What’s the matter with you?”  The templar stopped, his critical stare burning into Orsino’s consciousness.

“I’ll be fine,”  he managed to force out through bated breaths, before pushing himself off of the wall.

Orsino never had to meet with the knight captain before, but he knew no good could come from this.  Everything he might have done to anger the templars raced through his mind.  What if he didn’t actually pass his Harrowing?  That would make sense.

His heart beat faster as he got closer to the knight captain’s office.  To his surprise, Meredith was posted outside his door.  Her arms were folded tightly across her chest and her head was hung low so her long blonde hair obscured her face.  Orsino might have imagined it, but he swore she looked away as he got closer.

The templar opened the door and all but pushed Orsino into the office.

“I brought him, knight captain.”

“Thank you,”  Knight Captain Wentworth responded from his desk.  “That will be all.”

The templar made a quick salute before turning around and leaving Orsino alone with the knight captain.

Wentworth gestured for Orsino to sit down across from his desk, but he couldn’t move.  His eyes darted around the sparsely-decorated walls to the knight captain’s cluttered desk.  The full weight of the moment crashed upon him when his gaze crossed the iron Templar insignia welded onto the far wall--the only decoration in sight.

There was no use waiting anymore.  Orsino took a deep breath and took a seat in the chair on the other side of Wentworth’s desk.

“First, I believe congratulations are in order,”  Wentworth began slowly.  “For passing your Harrowing.”

Orsino didn’t know if it would be more respectful to look the knight captain in the eyes or to avert his gaze, so he stared at the templar insignia on the front of his armor.

“Yes, ser.  It’s an honor to finally be a member of the Circle of Magi.”

A weary sigh drew out of the knight captain’s chest.  In the dimming candlelight, the older man’s graying hair looked completely black, but his face looked aged and gaunt.  The proud armor of the knight captain seemed to be weighing him down.  He steepled his fingers together and lowered his head.

“There’s no easy way to tell you this, Orsino,”  Wentworth looked up, forcing him to meet his gaze.  “Your friend, Maud, has passed away.”

Time stopped.  Orsino was frozen in his chair.  He couldn’t breathe.  His heart climbed up his throat as he prayed that he somehow misheard the knight captain.

Wentworth was still speaking, but Orsino wasn’t able to process any information.  Anything the knight captain was saying to him was reduced to a distant drone except for a few words:

_...locked... _

_...manic… _

_...scorch marks… _

Orsino could only pay attention for a few seconds before his mind blocked everything out again.  He stared at the wood grain on Wentworth’s desk, losing himself in the dark swirling patterns.

“Orsino?”  The knight captain sounded like he was speaking behind a wall of thick glass.

It took Orsino a while to come back to reality, and even then he still felt like he was in a daze.  When his eyes finally focused, he saw that Wentworth was holding a simple white envelope out towards him.

“The templars found this in her chambers.  It’s addressed for you.”

Orsino’s arm trembled as he took the envelope and held it close to his chest.  He brushed his thumb against his name which had been written in black ink on the back.  This time with no faces written in the O’s.  That had to be a sign that none of this was real.

“It will be understandable if you need to take a break from your studies for the time being,”  the knight captain’s voice was soft, softer than Orsino was used to hearing from the templars.

Orsino took a series of deep breaths and nodded.  As he stood up, he pressed the envelope against his chest as hard as he could.

“She’s with the Maker now,”  Wentworth spoke just above a whisper.

The Maker was the last thing on Orsino’s mind as he left his office.

The walk through the hallways was a blur.  Orsino wondered if this is what the tranquil felt like.  Mages and templars drifted past him, their voices meshing together in one aimless blur.  Every time he turned the corner, he expected to see Maud.  She was always there.  She couldn’t just be...gone.  The idea of living in the Gallows without her made no sense.

A spark of anxiety burned through his near-tranquil mindset as he passed the apprentice quarters.  He wanted to investigate, but he couldn’t.  Too many templars, swarming around the quarters like ants near an open wound.  He didn’t want to deal with them.  It would be easier to retreat to his new quarters.

The iron door groaned as Orsino let himself into his room.  Quentin looked up at him from the table.

“What happened?”

“Maud.  She’s…”  he couldn’t finish.  The tranquility he felt shattered.

Orsino collapsed to his knees.  The pain of hitting the stone floor didn’t register.  This wasn’t the Fade.  This wasn’t a dream.  This was real.  That girl he met in that one primal magic class, the one whose hair he accidentally set on fire, she was gone.  Those days of studying in the library were over.  He would never get the chance to tell her about his Harrowing.  He would never be able to listen to her read her letters from home.  He felt cold, but at the same time he was burning up inside.

The despair crawled up his chest and squeezed its fist around Orsino’s throat.  He could have saved her.  He could have done something.  He knew she was miserable, why didn’t he do something?  The demon was right; he was too weak.  The demon…

The demon…

“Orsino!”

Orsino was on the floor, his face wet with tears and sweat.  Quentin was kneeling beside him.

“I’m sorry.”  Quentin bowed his head.  “I can’t begin to imagine the pain you’re in.”

Orsino tried to respond, but any words dissolved into incoherent sobbing.  The envelope was still in his arms.  He held it close.

“She’s gone,”  he could only speak in a whisper.  “I don’t know what to do.”

“We can start by getting you off of the floor.”

Quentin looped his arm around Orsino’s waist and lead him to his cot.  The pillow instantly became wet with tears.

“Why couldn’t I help her?”  Orsino’s lips quivered around the cup of water Quentin handed him.  “She was in pain and I couldn’t do anything.”

Orsino rolled onto his side, pulling the itchy wool blanket tighter around his body.  The uncomfortable blanket wasn’t enough to distract him.  The sound of the Waking Sea lapping at the shore wasn’t enough.  The feeling of the stiff cot against his cheek wasn’t enough.  There was a piece of Maud in all of them.

He remembered studying with her during the winter months, both of them bundled in a rough blanket as their only protection against the cold.  He remembered watching the waves with her through the tiny window in the library as a desperate attempt to imagine what freedom felt like.  He remembered the time she brought him soup from the dining hall when he was sick and unable to leave his cell.

All he wanted was a break from the pain he felt.  He wanted to breathe without choking on his own tears.  He wanted to stand without shaking and falling to his knees.  He wanted to think without his thoughts automatically returning to her.

He just needed sleep.

When Orsino closed his eyes, they stung so badly it felt like they’ve been open for years.

Sleep wasn’t an option for him.

_ “Why didn’t you help me?” _

Orsino’s eyes snapped open and he woke up with a gasp.  The gasp soon dissolved into more breathless sobs.  He passed his Harrowing by ignoring the demon’s temptations, but what if the demon was right?

What kind of mage was he?

What kind of friend was he?

Orsino had been locked inside the Gallows for many years.  He endured the strict rules, the harsh punishments, and the abuse from templars.

But for the first time, he truly knew what it felt like to be powerless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one more chapter, woo


	10. Chapter 10

Meredith couldn’t focus on her shift.  The reality of Maud’s death wouldn’t leave her mind.

She tried to tell herself that it could have been worse.  She had seen worse.  At least only one person had died this time.

That wasn’t good enough.  Meredith’s duty was to protect people from mages, including the mages themselves.  If only she had gotten to that closet sooner.  She could have put Maud under the careful watch of the Chantry sisters.  Worst case scenario, Maud would have been made tranquil.  But at least she wouldn’t be dead.

This wasn’t personal.  It couldn’t be personal.  Maud was just one mage.  Just one life.  Just one more life she let slip carelessly through her fingers.

Maybe it was a little personal.  She couldn’t get the image of the empty closet out of her mind--the scorch marks being the only sign of what had happened.  The destruction wasn’t as bad as what happened to Amelia, but the lack of destruction continued to haunt her.

Meredith looked down at the book in her hand; the one Maud loaned to her.  What was she supposed to do with this now?  It didn’t feel right to just give it away to the Circle’s library, but she certainly didn’t want to keep it.  Realistically speaking, the book would be sent back to Maud’s family.  Meredith’s fingers gripped the book tighter.  Her stomach churned at the thought of the young mage’s family receiving the news.  A young girl was dead because of magic.  Meredith became a templar to ensure that no one else would suffer the same loss she experienced.  What kind of templar was she?

Her shift ended near the chapel set up on the far side of the Gallows.  It was nowhere near as grand as the actual Chantry, but little corner provided the mages and templars with a convenient place to pray.  Or hide.

Meredith moved between the rows of benches, keeping her eyes open for any signs of trouble.  Her search came to a stop when she reached the front of the altar.

Orsino was sprawled out on the floor, staring up at the bronze statue of Andraste that loomed over them.

She frowned and stepped closer to him.

“That’s an...interesting position to pray in.”

“I’m not praying,” Orsino’s voice just barely vibrated past his lips.  “Just thinking.”

The mage sat up on the cold stone floor, reclining his neck against one of the benches behind him.  His face was an expressionless mask, but his vivid green eyes were bloodshot.  He looked as if he had aged decades since she last saw him.

The sorrow Meredith felt couldn’t have been anything compared to what was racing through Orsino’s mind.  Her throat went dry.  She thought back to the moment Ser Wentworth first held his hand out to her--the moment she became a templar.  She remembered Wentworth carefully explaining the tragic events that just took place.  She remembered crying into his armored shoulder.  She remembered how he gave her a brief distraction by letting her swing his sword a few times.  She had lost everyone she ever knew and cared for, but she didn’t have to be alone.

This was part of a templar’s job too.  She had to comfort him.  But what was she supposed to say?  What was she supposed to do?  Her mind went back to that tragic day in the cellar.  What did she want after she witnessed that horrible tragedy?

Meredith reached out and gently patted the top of Orsino’s head.

Orsino’s hollow expression morphed into one of confusion, and he looked up at her.

“Did you just pet me like a dog?”

Meredith snatched her hand back.

“Sorry.”

Meredith didn’t know what else to say, but she couldn’t leave the mage unattended.  In a careful move, she sat down next to him.  Through the corner of her eye, she saw Orsino’s brow knot in confusion again, but he said nothing.

The silence between them was eating her up at first, but soon she discovered a certain calmness to it.  Meredith kept her eyes fixed on the bronze statue, watching her reflection distort itself in the polished surface.  Maybe she didn’t have to say anything.  Maybe to the mage, just having another person in the room was enough.

“Do you need something?”  Orsino’s voice sliced through the silence.

Meredith was taken aback, and without thinking responded with the first words that came to her mind.

“I’m sorry for your loss.  She’s at the Maker’s side now.”

Orsino looked up at her, a scowl forming on his face.

“Everyone is sorry.  But are you, really?”

Meredith knew her words were painfully predictable, but she was still stunned by Orsino’s reaction.  With an exhausted sigh, he rolled his eyes and turned away from her.

“Everything the Chantry had taught me says otherwise,” his tone was quiet, but biting.  “The Chantry taught us that we’re cursed.  The Chantry also taught us that anyone who takes their own life will not be welcome to join the Maker’s side.”

Meredith felt her face burn with shame.

“Look, I didn’t…”

“She hated her life here so much that she would risk eternity in the Void just to escape,”  Orsino’s voice trembled as he struggled to choke out the rest of his words.  “And I couldn’t do anything to help her.”

Orsino’s voice became incomprehensible through his heavy sobbing, although at this point it came off more like dry heaving.

Meredith’s hands clenched into fists against the stone floor.  She couldn’t bring herself to feel angry at the mage.  In a sense, she understood him.  She had these same thoughts, although she made sure to bury them in the depths of her mind.

Orsino’s body was shaking as he clawed his fingers through his dark hair.  Words alone couldn’t help him.  But she couldn’t just leave him there.  Mages and strong emotions don’t usually end well.

Taking a deep breath, Meredith held Maud’s book out to him.

“Here,” she kept her gaze to the floor.  “It was hers.”

Orsino looked up, his eyes widening.

“Why do you…”

“She loaned it to me,” Meredith’s fingers tightened around the weathered spine of the book.  “You should have it.”

Orsino took the book from her hands without saying a word.  The book trembled as he flipped through the pages.  When he reached the note scribbled on the inside cover, his lip quivered and his eyes became glazed over with fresh tears.

“Why did it have to be her?”  he pressed his forehead against the book, leaving his voice muffled.  “Why would The Maker allow her to be a mage?  She didn’t deserve this.”

Meredith chewed at her lower lip as she stared up at the bronze statue.

“There are moments when our faith is tested,” her low voice was almost drowned out by Orsino’s shuddering breaths.  “But we must remember that the Maker has a plan for all of us.”

“Forgive me if this is out of line,” Orsino slumped against the bench, placing the book on his lap.  “But I don’t see how a templar’s words are supposed to make me feel better.”

The shame Meredith felt burned even hotter.  Maker, she was just making this worse.  But what was she supposed to do?  She thought back to the day when she first met Wentworth.  She was left scared and alone by the tragedy that had just occurred.  The knight captain reassured her that everything would be okay.  When he reached out to her in that cellar, it was like the Maker Himself was offering her His hand.  Someone all-powerful who could dry her tears and tell her that everything would be okay--that is what she wanted.

But not everyone wants that.  She remembered the brief moments when she allowed herself to talk about her family with Maud and how much she missed them.  Maud wasn’t a powerful knight captain who reassured her that everything would be okay.  She was someone who was feeling something similar to her.  She was someone who made her feel less alone in her mind.

Meredith closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and said the words she had never spoken to anyone other than Wentworth:

“My older sister was an apostate.”

Orsino sat up straighter against the bench, confusion morphing onto his face.

“What?”

Meredith nodded, the memories already causing tears to prickle in her eyes.  Her body tensed up as she struggled to find the words to the horrible incident she never had to describe to anyone else before.

“My family hid her from the templars.  We thought she wouldn’t be able to handle living in the Circle.  But we didn’t know how to handle a mage,”  some strands from Meredith’s ponytail fell free, obscuring her face.  “She couldn’t control her powers.  Our neighbors notified the templars.”

Meredith held her head in her hand, digging her nails into the skin on her forehead.  She tried to come off as controlled and stoic as a templar should be.  But she couldn’t stop the rest of her words tumbling out of her mouth between choked breaths.

“Amelia was so scared when she saw the templars,”  she wiped her eyes with her sleeve, not even able to register the shame of crying in front of a mage.  “She ran into the kitchen to hide, but when she came out…”

Meredith couldn’t continue.  Just revisiting the memory was horrible enough on its own.  But no words could properly describe the dreadful sight of her older sister twisting and distorting into that horrible creature.  She knew she couldn’t talk about the deaths without bursting into tears at the memory of her parents screaming for their lives behind her as she ran.

“Seventy people,”  Meredith strained to control her breathing, desperately trying to return her voice to its normal level state.  “Seventy people were killed by the abomination before the templars…”

Once again, she couldn’t finish.  But this time she felt that there was no need for her to do so.  The memory was so overpowering that for a moment she forgot she was telling her story to a mage.  Humiliation flowed through her.  Through the veil of her messy blonde hair, she looked up at Orsino.

It was hard to interpret his expression through her bangs and her blurred vision, but it looked like a combination of pity and extreme discomfort.

“That’s…”  the mage picked at the hems of his sleeves.  “I...I’m sorry, I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say.”

Meredith felt completely exposed and the shame of sharing such a personal story made her want to pass out.

“I’m not going to try to pretend that I know how you feel,” her fingers twisted against the cold floor.  “But after I lost my family, there was a part of me that wanted to know that I wasn’t alone.  You don’t have to be alone with your loss.”

Orsino shook his head, rubbing his brow with a trembling hand.

“I just don’t understand how you don’t question your faith after experiencing something like that.”

Meredith sagged her shoulders.

“I do.  Almost every day.”

Orsino looked up at her in shock.

“Are you serious?  But you’ve always seemed like the ideal templar.”

“The knight captain told me that it’s okay to question your faith, but remembering the Maker’s path for you can help you be strong.  Even when you’re at your lowest.”

Orsino’s gaze fell back down to the stone floor,

“I can’t imagine the Maker’s plan being any good.  What am I supposed to take from this?  That we mages are destined to have empty lives with no hope?  That I should expect to lose everyone I care for?”

“I became a templar because I didn’t want anyone to lose their family to magic the same way I did.  I wanted to make up for the times when I was not strong enough to help,”  Meredith leaned her head back against the pews.  “Perhaps something similar will happen with you.  It won’t bring her back, but her memory can still inspire you.”

Meredith knew that if Wentworth was the one speaking to the mage, his words would be a lot more natural and comforting.  Her heart and gut clenched like a tight fist as she watched for Orsino’s reaction.

He sighed, shrugging his shoulders.

“She always believed I could do something good for the Circle.”

Meredith nodded stiffly and stood up.

“But take your time to grieve.  That’s just as important,” she extended a hand to him.  “Come.  I need to finish my patrol and I can’t leave you unsupervised in here.”

“Just give me a moment,” Orsino closed his eyes.  “I need to think.”

Meredith knew she should have refused his request, but she couldn’t bring herself to do so.

“All right.  But don’t be long.”

“Here,” he held the book back out to her.  “I can’t keep this.  It doesn’t feel right.”

Meredith wanted to protest, but she nodded and took the book from his hands before turning around to leave the room.

As she moved to return to the hall, Orsino’s voice called out to her.

“Meredith?”

Meredith stopped in her tracks and turned around.  

The mage was still seated on the floor in front of the altar, a look of desperation painted across his face.

“Does it ever get easier?”  his voice trembled.  “Will I ever feel normal again?”

Meredith thought back to the nights lying awake in her cot, her mind plagued by the lyrium-induced nightmares.  She thought about the pain in her chest that she felt whenever she remembered her sister twisting into that monstrosity.  She thought about how that horrible day would replay in her head whenever she dressed in her templar armor, reminding her of her path.

It would have been easy to give Orsino a comfortable lie.  But it wasn’t right.

“You’re going to feel different from now on.  Every day, you’re going to feel like something inside of you is missing,” she bowed her head, her hair obstructing her face.  “But it might get easier, but only because you will be stronger.”

If Orsino gave a response, she didn’t hear it.  She hurried out of the room and into the hall.  An exasperated sigh escaped her lungs as she pressed her forehead against the rough stone wall.  Her fingers trailed across the Templar insignia adorning the front of her armor.

Meredith didn’t become a templar for any sort of personal gain.

And at that moment, with her head pressed against the wall, an aching in her chest, and a sobbing mage in the other room, personal gain was the furthest thing from her mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End of part 1, woo.
> 
> I don't know when I'll start posting part 2. We'll see.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first DA fanfic and I'm scared.


End file.
